IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Government needs to spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than to support professional sports and art events. Do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, many educational institutions have promoted extra-curriculums for students developing their talents in
sports
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 or
art
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 even though budgets are a major issue for them. I stand for the federal government subsidies to educational institutions planning the
development
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 of
sports
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 and
art
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 rather than supporting professional subjects for them as everyone has their talents instinct.
This
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 essay will expound on my views and provide examples to discuss. To commence, school is a nurturing phenomenon for learners' global
development
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 as it does not focus on professional nurture.
For instance
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, some social science experts indicated that educational institutions were open areas for children to study and rear
such
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 as state
schools
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, private
schools
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 or international
schools
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. These places could provide various subjects for learners to explore, not just bear in professional nurturing.
This
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 plan
also
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 would bring numerous students or adolescents to receive an award from
art
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 or
sports
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 competitions by the local government sponsoring them.
Thus
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,
this
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 results in the authorities spending money on the
development
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 of
sports
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 and
art
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, but not supporting to be professional sporters or artists.
Furthermore
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, another opinion is rearing children's global
development
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 rather than promoting them to be specific ones in
art
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 or
sports
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.
For example
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, some educational theories suggest that if kids have a good upbringing at school, it will provide different programs for them exploring like painting or playing scooters,
also
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 discovering their talents.
This
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 plan can balance everyone's
development
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 and find their feet to enjoy studying.
Hence
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,
this
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 encourages the federal government to plan some budgets for
schools
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 on
sports
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 or
art
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 better than being
profession
Replace the word
professional
show examples
. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned statements, I believe that the authorities should spend money on the
development
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 of
art
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 or
sports
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 as well.
This
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 trend can engage everyone to have a chance to participate in different programs, not just focus on being professional person for the public.

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task achievement
The essay lacks a clear thesis statement. Make sure to clearly state your position on the topic in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay can be improved. Make sure each paragraph focuses on a specific point and use appropriate transition words to connect the ideas.
lexical resource
Expand your lexical resource by using a wider range of vocabulary. This will make your essay more diverse and engaging.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy. There are several instances of incorrect usage and word choice throughout the essay.
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