As a result of electronic inventions such the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is no doubt that in today's society electric appliances have become an important part of our
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
. It will be true if I say that these devices have changed
people
's lives.
As a result
of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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things,
people
are doing
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
physical activities in their lifetime.
However
, some of these
inventions
are helpful and others have a negative effect on
people
's health. I agree with both
Fix the agreement mistake
options
show examples
option
Fix the agreement mistake
options
show examples
. Nowadays, more office employees are working with computers sitting down.
Or many
Correct word choice
Many
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people
are spending their
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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leisure time
to
Change preposition
apply
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watching TV. In my view, all of that mentioned above
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
caused
a
Remove the article
apply
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plenty of health issues.
For example
, the common illness amongst
people
related to
this
is
that
Correct word choice
apply
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the sickness of
eye
Add an article
the eye
an eye
show examples
or maybe it is caused
people's
Change preposition
by people's
show examples
overweight. Because
due to
utilizing these
devises
Replace the word
devices
show examples
,
people
have a lack of physical activities.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
this
is a major negative effect of these electrical appliances on
people
. And these problems may lead
other
Change preposition
to other
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illnesses when they are older.
On the other hand
, these technologies have a positive side on our
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
For instance
, many inventors have invented
so
Correct word choice
apply
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technologies
that
is have
Change the verb form
have
show examples
an important role in medicine. And these devices may cause
people
live
Add the particle
to live
show examples
longer.
Moreover
, we do not blame
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern appliances for everything
due to
Change preposition
because
show examples
at the moment
people
are eating more food than in the past.
Furthermore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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inventions
such
as
computer
Change the article
the computer
show examples
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
useful if we can use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
a positive way. What is more,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television is
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
thing
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
cultural relaxation. In conclusion, I believe that modern
inventions
have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both positive and negative effects on
people
's health. It is
best
Change the article
the best
show examples
way to utilize
from
Change preposition
apply
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electronic
inventions
in
Change preposition
to
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
'
limit
Fix the agreement mistake
limits
show examples
.
Also
, we should do more physical activities in our lifetime is
adviceable
Correct your spelling
advisable
adviseable
.
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task response
The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement, making the position on the topic unclear. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate the position clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure with logical progression of ideas. Use of transition words and cohesive devices is needed to improve coherence and cohesion.
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