As a result of electronic inventions such the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is no doubt that in today's society electric appliances have become an important part of our
live
. It will be true if I say that these devices have changed Replace the word
lives
people
's lives. As a result
of this
things, Correct determiner usage
these
people
are doing less
physical activities in their lifetime. Correct quantifier usage
fewer
However
, some of these inventions
are helpful and others have a negative effect on people
's health. I agree with both Fix the agreement mistake
options
option
.
Nowadays, more office employees are working with computers sitting down. Fix the agreement mistake
options
Or many
Correct word choice
Many
people
are spending their more
leisure time Correct quantifier usage
apply
to
watching TV. In my view, all of that mentioned above Change preposition
apply
is
caused Verb problem
has
a
plenty of health issues. Remove the article
apply
For example
, the common illness amongst people
related to this
is that
the sickness of Correct word choice
apply
eye
or maybe it is caused Add an article
the eye
an eye
people's
overweight. Because Change preposition
by people's
due to
utilizing these devises
, Replace the word
devices
people
have a lack of physical activities. Also
Add a comma
Also,
this
is a major negative effect of these electrical appliances on people
. And these problems may lead other
illnesses when they are older.
Change preposition
to other
On the other hand
, these technologies have a positive side on our live
. Replace the word
lives
For instance
, many inventors have invented so
technologies Correct word choice
apply
that
is have
an important role in medicine. And these devices may cause Change the verb form
have
people
live
longer. Add the particle
to live
Moreover
, we do not blame the
modern appliances for everything Correct article usage
apply
due to
at the moment Change preposition
because
people
are eating more food than in the past. Furthermore
, the
Correct article usage
apply
inventions
such
as computer
Change the article
the computer
is
useful if we can use Change the verb form
are
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
to
a positive way. What is more, Change preposition
in
the
television is Correct article usage
apply
good
thing Add an article
a good
to
cultural relaxation.
In conclusion, I believe that modern Change preposition
for
inventions
have a
both positive and negative effects on Remove the article
apply
people
's health. It is best
way to utilize Change the article
the best
from
electronic Change preposition
apply
inventions
in
Change preposition
to
its
' Correct pronoun usage
their
limit
. Fix the agreement mistake
limits
Also
, we should do more physical activities in our lifetime is adviceable
.Correct your spelling
advisable
adviseable
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task response
The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement, making the position on the topic unclear. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate the position clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure with logical progression of ideas. Use of transition words and cohesive devices is needed to improve coherence and cohesion.
