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Band 8

Students from disadvantaged families and rural areas are finding it difficult to get a university education. Some people believe that universities should help them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#students #families #areas #university #education #people #universities
It is widely believed that universities will help students who are from disadvantaged families or rural areas
although
 they are finding it difficult to get a university
education
. Personally, I totally agree with
this
 point of view for a variety of reasons. First of all, nobody can deny that
education
 will help people to change their mindset. Any person who has an
education
 often shows brilliant skills in organising their life. They usually find it easy to solve problems happening daily.
In addition
, a well-educated character often becomes a helpful person in society. They know how to behave well in their relationships. They not only do bad things but
also
 affect positively on everyone around them.
As a result
, I strongly believe that students who are graduated from universities will receive a lot of profits.
Furthermore
, much evidence has shown that pupils who have a university
education
 have had more opportunities to find jobs than others.
This
 helps to reduce stress in earning money. So those students feel happier in life.
For example
, in May of 2023, it was reported in The Daily News that over 80% of people who had gotten a university
education
 didn't find it challenging to get a career. The reason why they can find a job easily is because , with basic knowledge, they can obtain new concepts quickly.
Therefore
, good chances always wait for them in future. Mr Ben Thomas, a UK famous educator, said that opportunity was created by us. In conclusion, universities are very helpful for pupils in both rural and urban areas. In my opinion, receiving a great pedagogy means receiving an amazing future.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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Task Response
Your essay provides a clear and direct response to the given task, stating your agreement with the idea that universities should help students from disadvantaged families and rural areas. However, you could further develop your argument by providing more specific reasons or examples to support your viewpoint.
Coherence and Cohesion
Overall, the coherence and cohesion of your essay is good. Your ideas are well-organized and logically presented. However, in some instances, the connection between sentences or paragraphs could be strengthened to enhance the overall coherence of your essay. Consider using transitional phrases or linking words to make the flow of your ideas smoother.
Lexical Resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally effective, and you demonstrate a good range of vocabulary throughout your essay. However, you could further enhance your lexical resource by using more varied and specific vocabulary, particularly when providing examples or elaborating on your points.
Grammatical Range
Your grammatical range is commendable, with only a few minor errors in sentence structure. However, to improve your grammatical accuracy, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the use of articles. Additionally, try to vary your sentence structures to add more complexity to your writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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