IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports events. Is it a good thing or bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience

#people #money #sports #events
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Nowadays,
money
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 is important to
support
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 some activities,
such
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 as attending cultural and sporting events.
People
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 spend a lot of
money
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 to satisfy their needs, which makes them happy and allows them to enjoy their lives. They manage the
money
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 to
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 their needs. In my opinion, I personally agree with
this
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 view because
people
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 need to get what they need, and I will explore more about
this
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 view. On the one hand, attending a cultural
event
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 is not cheap, especially if you are located far away from an urban city. Some
people
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 attending the cultural
event
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 have some reason to want to have new experiences.
For example
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,
people
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 want to attend a local dance by
inhibitant
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inhabitant
 locals in Bali, which is far away from the capital city. The local dance gives them attraction with the creative equipment, which makes
people
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 feel happy and comfortable. So, spending
money
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 to attend the local cultural
event
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 is equal to their contribution to their lives. The other reason
people
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 spend the
money
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 to attend the sports
event
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 is that they are fans of their club when they have a competition and want to see the play. The ticket and equipment are quite expensive, so we need to have a plan or manage the
money
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 to
support
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this
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.
For instance
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, the shoes and shorts to
support
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 their club are not cheap, so as a community based on
this
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 club, we should
support
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 each other. In sum, with
this
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 statement, I totally agree with
people
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 who are attending the local cultural and sporting events who have a plan and manage their
money
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 to
support
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 these activities.
This
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also
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 makes
people
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 feel happy and enjoy their passion activities.
Submitted by nazhif27 on

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task response
The essay demonstrates good task response with a clear opinion and relevant examples. However, make sure to address both the positive and negative aspects of spending money on cultural and sporting events.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, but needs improvement in transitioning between ideas and paragraphs. Try using more cohesive devices to connect the ideas more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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