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Band 6

Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports events. Is it a good thing or bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience

#people #money #sports #events
Nowadays,
money
 is important to
support
 some activities,
such
 as attending cultural and sporting events.
People
 spend a lot of
money
 to satisfy their needs, which makes them happy and allows them to enjoy their lives. They manage the
money
 to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their needs. In my opinion, I personally agree with
this
 view because
people
 need to get what they need, and I will explore more about
this
 view. On the one hand, attending a cultural
event
 is not cheap, especially if you are located far away from an urban city. Some
people
 attending the cultural
event
 have some reason to want to have new experiences.
For example
,
people
 want to attend a local dance by
inhibitant
Correct your spelling
inhabitant
 locals in Bali, which is far away from the capital city. The local dance gives them attraction with the creative equipment, which makes
people
 feel happy and comfortable. So, spending
money
 to attend the local cultural
event
 is equal to their contribution to their lives. The other reason
people
 spend the
money
 to attend the sports
event
 is that they are fans of their club when they have a competition and want to see the play. The ticket and equipment are quite expensive, so we need to have a plan or manage the
money
 to
support
this
.
For instance
, the shoes and shorts to
support
 their club are not cheap, so as a community based on
this
 club, we should
support
 each other. In sum, with
this
 statement, I totally agree with
people
 who are attending the local cultural and sporting events who have a plan and manage their
money
 to
support
 these activities.
This
also
 makes
people
 feel happy and enjoy their passion activities.
Submitted by nazhif27 on

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task response
The essay demonstrates good task response with a clear opinion and relevant examples. However, make sure to address both the positive and negative aspects of spending money on cultural and sporting events.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, but needs improvement in transitioning between ideas and paragraphs. Try using more cohesive devices to connect the ideas more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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