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Band 6

Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages

#people #college #travel #work #time
‏There is no doubt that these days, education has become an integral element of our lives. Some
people
 prefer travelling or working for a short period before they enter
into
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apply
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university. In
this
 essay, I Discuss the negatives and positives in the following paragraphs
,
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 and provide my point of view. ‏ In terms of advantages, a career has
positive
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a positive
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 impact on the lives of individuals before engaging in college. It is undeniable that most
people
 gain personal growth and development through work.
Furthermore
, work allows them to acquire practical experiences and knowledge.
In addition
, young individuals would be financially independent .
For instance
, in the restaurant sector can be observed most employees are young
people
, working in order to secure their needs and their families.
Therefore
,
people
 will be more aware of their responsibilities in future .
Besides
, Traveling can change the psychological state and allow for the renewal of energy. ‏
In contrast
, working
instead
 of directly getting into college could
also
 have some drawbacks as well.
First,
delayed entry into the job market because most career nowadays requires specific degree or qualifications .
Secondly
, the labour market is more competitive for those qualified and experienced than those without .
Moreover
, it would be difficult to return to education.
Last
 but not least, unlearned
people
 always have financial struggles in their lives. ‏
To sum up
, I do believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks
,
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because nowadays experiences and personal skills are important for applying to work.
In addition
 , working allows
people
 to be more responsible.
Therefore
,
Submitted by du.sg16 on

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task response
Make sure to clearly address all parts of the prompt and provide a balanced argument. Include a clear thesis statement that outlines your position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Improve the organization of your ideas by using clear topic sentences and transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary and use more precise and varied vocabulary to express your ideas. Avoid repetition of words and phrases.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar. Be more careful with verb tenses and subject-verb agreement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gap year
  • self-discovery
  • character-building
  • enhanced
  • independence
  • adaptability
  • interpersonal skills
  • open-mindedness
  • global perspective
  • delayed
  • employment prospects
  • financial burden
  • educational attainment
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