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Band 6.5

Some people think the increasing use of technology in the workplace is good for young people’s prospects of gaining a job are harder for old people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #technology #workplace #people’s #prospects #job
Some people hold the view that using technology in the workplace brings many benefits for the young generation to find a job.
In contrast
, others think that older people can have difficult ties in applying for it. From my observation, I partly agree with
this
 opinion that if older have to learn how to use modern equipment, they will easily lose their jobs. On the one hand, it has many factors leading most people to suppose that the old will gain many difficulties
while
 working in
such
 places. First of all, the memory of the elderly isn’t lucid so they will be confused when they use updated technology for the first time and it's kind of forgettable because there are fund of knowledge which older generation has to understand.
Besides
 that, they can easily suffer from physical problems because of sitting for a long time in one place.
On the other hand
,
while
 there are many negative results is proved.
In contrast
, those intelligent old employers only work for big and successful companies as they can master office skills and are paid a high salary.
For example
, there are famous companies including Apple and Samsung
also
 own the old big boss. In conclusion, I have a strong belief that if the workplace forces employees to learn technology skills, the old will bring many difficulties for themselves because of their health and memory.
Submitted by ieltswritingpracticedl on

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organization
You provide a clear introduction and conclusion, establishing your stance effectively, which helps guide the reader through your argument. However, the overall structure could be more logically organized. Consider structuring paragraphs so that each one focuses clearly on a single main point. This will make your argument stronger and easier to follow.
development
While your ideas are clear, you would benefit from expanding on the points you make with more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, you mention that older people might struggle with technology and health issues, but don't provide specific examples or further explanation to support these points.
development
Your essay could be improved by ensuring that all parts of the question are fully addressed. You briefly mention the benefits for young people, but do not explore this side in enough detail. Consider discussing the advantages that technological skills provide to young job seekers in more depth.
content
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and provides a balanced viewpoint, which is essential for a high band score.
organization
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, making it easy for the reader to understand your stance on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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