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Band 6

Some parents give their children everything that their children ask for and accept what their children want to do. Is this good for children? What could be the consequences for these children when they grow up?

#parents #children #consequences
With the low birth rate, fewer and fewer
children
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 a family bred for. In
this
 case, most
parents
 would approve everything that the
juveniles
 ask for.
However
, it is not proper for
children
 and some problems come from
this
 circumstance.
Although
 more and more
parents
 choose to agree with all requests from
juveniles
as a result
 of the low birth rate, it is not a correct trend and way. So young are the
children
 that they have not shaped a proper value perception yet. If
parents
 approve of everything they ask for,
juveniles
 will be spoiled and even request more expensive materials in the
future
.
Hence
,
parents
 ought to impart the value perception to them and teach them how to use money wisely. It is apparent that if
parents
 randomly agree with all the requests from
children
, it would contribute to spoiled youngsters in the
future
. To be more specific,
children
 may think they can possess everything easily without any effort.
Nevertheless
, in reality, you have to make efforts for lots of things,
such
 as quality of life, property, and the options of your life. Take a clear instance, in some Asia countries,
parents
 would let
children
 buy everything they want;
nonetheless
, after a decade, some research revealed those
juveniles
 are spoiled and refuse to try hard for their’ careers.
Accordingly
, on no account can the
parents
 ignore the influence of randomly giving everything to their
children
. In conclusion, if
children
 agree with all the
children
’s requests, it would have a bad impact on their
future
.
Moreover
, they will not be willing to pursue a better
future
 by themselves.
Submitted by sherry0588 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction lacks a clear statement of the writer's opinion. Make sure to clearly state your position on the issue in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
The body paragraphs should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should summarize the main points discussed in the essay and provide a clear conclusion based on the writer's opinion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt adequately, but some ideas could be developed further. Provide more specific examples and supporting details to strengthen the argument.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more effectively. Avoid repeating the same words and phrases too frequently.
grammatical range
Make sure to use a variety of sentence structures to demonstrate your grammatical range. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structure and grammatical accuracy throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • indulgence
  • overindulgence
  • leniency
  • emotional resilience
  • rejection
  • entitlement
  • realistic expectations
  • self-regulated behavior
  • egocentric
  • financial management
  • professional relationships
  • collaboratively
  • criticism
  • appreciation
  • value
  • effort
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