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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the apples and oranges per person in kilograms in five countries in 2013

The chart below shows the apples and oranges per person in kilograms in five countries in 2013
Overall
Linking Words
,
Country
Use synonyms
 A produced the most
films
Use synonyms
 in three years.
Besides
Linking Words
, Countries B, C, D, and E produced fewer
films
Use synonyms
 than
Country
Use synonyms
 A. In detail,
Country
Use synonyms
 A produced the same number of
films
Use synonyms
 over 80
thousand
Use synonyms
 in 2007 and 2008. It produced about 80
thousand
Use synonyms
films
Use synonyms
 in 2009.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the amount of
films
Use synonyms
 produced by
Country
Use synonyms
 A has decreased.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
Country
Use synonyms
 B produced 50
thousand
Use synonyms
films
Use synonyms
 in 2007, but it showed an increasing/upward trend in 2008 and 2009. It demonstrated a big decrease/decline in 2009 about/around/approximately 30
thousand
Use synonyms
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to 2008.
Besides
Linking Words
, Countries C, D, and E ‘s output are particularly lower than Countries A and B.
Country
Use synonyms
 C has an increased trend within the range of 10
thousand
Use synonyms
 to 16
thousand
Use synonyms
 from 2007 to 2009.
Country
Use synonyms
 D displays a tendency that the sum of
films
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
bounced back and forth at the number of 10
thousand
Use synonyms
.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
Country
Use synonyms
 E had kept a stable balance in three years.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "besides".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words country, films, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the first paragraph.
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