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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The only reason to work hard is to earn money.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#reason #work #money
Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
, many
people
 believe that earning more
money
 is an integral part
to get
Change preposition
of getting
show examples
 a better life.
However
, in my personal opinion acquiring
adequate
Add an article
an adequate
show examples
 amount of
money
 may be the initial gate for
someone
for having
Change preposition
to have
show examples
 a
properous
Correct your spelling
proper
 life.
This
 essay will discuss the reason why
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think that the main reason for
people
 to work is
money
.
To begin
 with, it is the capitalist system, which
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the rich become richer
while
 the poor just
being
Verb problem
become
show examples
 stagnant or even poorer.
This
 system
was begin
Change the verb form
began
show examples
 when
people
start
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 to monopolize every
resources
Change to a singular noun
resource
show examples
 including land, livestock, water and any other valuable resources.
For instance
, by gaining
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
full control of those basic needs, they can make
someone
 spend their cash to trade the
commmodities
Correct your spelling
commodities
for ensuring
Change preposition
to ensure
show examples
 those
people
 can through their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
Hence
, that was the beginning of the
people
start
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 to trade their time and energy with
money
.
Moreover
, the capitalist system have been more developed in
this
21
Correct your spelling
21st
 century which mainly
support
Wrong verb form
supported
show examples
 by the invention of
investment
instrument
.
Therefore
,
investment
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 basically designed to make the one who
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 more cash can get more return
in
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on
show examples
 the same
instrument
.
This
 thesis can be simply proven by doing a simple
artihmatic
Correct your spelling
arithmetic
 calculation for
return
Correct article usage
the return
show examples
 of the
investment
instrument
 which
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a 5% coupon with
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 initial
investment
 of 1 million and 100
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 rupiah. Unfortunately,
it is clear that
 the 100
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 initial
investment
 will obtain more return for the same
instrument
 in the same
periode
Correct your spelling
period
.
Thus
,
money
 plays an essential role
to build
Change preposition
in building
show examples
someone
's fortune.
To conclude
,
although
 some
people
 are willing to work
due to
 their passion,
yet
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it is
money
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 will give us a chance to make a better life.
Therefore
, in the
end
Add a comma
end,
show examples
money
 is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
solely
Change the adverb
sole
show examples
 factor that
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
someone
 willing to work nine to five.
Submitted by dowjones on

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task response
Provide a clear and direct response to the prompt by stating your position in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a logical and well-organized structure by presenting your main points in separate paragraphs.
lexical resource
Broaden your range of vocabulary by using more diverse and precise words.
grammatical range
Work on improving your sentence construction and grammar to enhance clarity and avoid errors.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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