IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Nowadays many teenagers have a celebrity who they follow as a role model. Some people think this is not a good idea, because celebrities often set a bad example. To what extent do you agree?

#teenagers #celebrity #role #model #people #idea #celebrities
The youth may regard
one
 of the admirable
celebrities
 as the goal they desire to be because of their good looks and outstanding skills. When it comes to role models,
however
, some
people
 believe
celebrities
 often give a bad example. I partially agree with the statement. It is worth following
celebrities
 like athletes, artists, and entrepreneurs, mainly owing to their effort and dedication, which always give
people
 a good standard for chasing goals depending on constant spirit. To illustrate, Jay Chou is
one
 of the most popular singers not only in Taiwan but
also
 worldwide. What sets him apart is not just his celebrity work but
also
 his dedication to charitable work. He has established a charitable foundation, encouraging others who follow his reputation to contribute to the well-being of the less fortunate.
This
 is approved by the belief that some
celebrities
 should be admired.
Therefore
, famous
people
 have an impact on the bright side and can influence the younger generation. On the
one
 hand, I disagree with the statement because some
people
 are renowned simply
due to
 wealth, being involved in news, or even issuing shorts or reels on social media and platforms. The other groups of
people
 consider that if
celebrities
 make notorious demonstrations onslaught by TV shows, they will bring up a hit to affect the immatures’ values and perspectives.
For instance
,
one
 of the popular YouTubers recommended
one
 violent online game to earn more money from sponsors’ support. In that case, owing to the channel blogger’s effects, there may be a virus that cannot determine whether the recommendation is good or bad.
Hence
, I oppose the point of view that well-known bloggers or Youtubers demonstrating meaningfulness for earning more subscriptions or some other purposes should be chased. From most of the above perspectives, both younger and mature
people
 can follow famous folk as role models. Yet, I possess a neutral opinion on whether the point is right or wrong.
People
 should not mindlessly follow and chase
one
 of the stars as a tendency or famous sign.
Submitted by aa0963178783 on

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coherence cohesion
Include a clear thesis statement in the introduction that states your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph follows a logical structure and transitions smoothly to the next.
lexical resource
Consider using a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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