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Band 5.5

Children are facing more pressure nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?.

#children #pressure #perspectives #pressures #measures
We are living in a fast-changing world, and our lives are totally different from the ones a couple of decades ago. Nowadays, there are various kinds of stress that
children
 have to face.
This
 essay will discuss the problems associated with
this
 trend
along with
 the solutions in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
 with, there are several reasons contributing to
children
’s pressure. The primary cause of
this
 problem is that all the kids are outstanding and the competition in society is more and more intense.
In other words
, if
children
 want to succeed, they have to compete with other
children
. One prime example is that when
children
 want to get the golden medal in the Olympic competition, they have to beat the other
children
. Without
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
hardly
Change the word
hard
show examples
, they would not been successful.
In addition
, the anticipation from their
parents
also
 brings
children
stress
Add the particle
to stress
show examples
. To explain,
parents
 always want their
children
 to be eminent.
Therefore
, they may let their
children
 learn a great number of skills compulsively.
Children
 do not have enough time to relax, they may feel tired and
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
. To tackle
this
 problem, it is of great significance that schools should increase physical education classes. Only in
this
 way can they release their stress and keep healthy.
Furthermore
,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should encourage
children
 sincerely
instead
 of denying their
abilities
Fix the agreement mistake
ability
show examples
 to learn.
As a result
,
children
 will become more confident and optimistic. In conclusion, competition and expectation are the main obstacles
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 phenomenon. Only when
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and
parents
 cooperate together, can
this
 problem be solved
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Submitted by 1550018584 on

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task response
Make sure to address both causes and solutions in your essay. You have discussed the causes of children's pressure, but you have only provided one solution. Try to provide more specific and practical solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Overall, your essay has a logical structure. However, you can improve the connection between ideas to enhance coherence. Use cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases to link your ideas more effectively.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is satisfactory, but you can further improve it by using a wider range of vocabulary and collocations related to the topic. This will add depth and variety to your essay.
grammatical range
Your grammatical range is adequate, but there are some errors in verb tenses and word order. Pay attention to sentence structure, subject-verb agreement, and use of articles to enhance your grammatical accuracy.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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