IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports faculties . Others , however say that this would have little effect on public health and other measures are required . Discuss both these views and give your own opinion .

#people #health #sports #faculties #effect #measures
It is argued that providing more
sports
 centres or
health
 clubs would be the most effective method for improving public
health
. From my point of view,
however
, proper
health
 education would be a better measure. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand,
people
’s
health
 has been greatly enhanced thanks to participation in
sports
 facilities. It is an undeniable fact that fitness levels are increased by taking part in physical activities
such
 as doing daily exercise or playing
sports
.
Therefore
, the increasing popularity of gym classes or
sports
 clubs gives
people
 more chances to improve their
health
. After a hard day at work, many residents in my neighbourhood attend evening yoga classes in order to keep fit and stay healthy.
On the other hand
, I would argue that increasing the provision of
sports
 amenities would have little impact on public
health
.
This
 can be explained by the fact that many
people
 who paid for an annual gym membership failed to go entirely after just one month.
Therefore
, I think that it is more important to educate citizens about basic
health
 awareness. A person would easily avoid some potential
health
 problems if he is equipped with sufficient basic knowledge about medicine and
health
 care.
For example
, when a child knows more about the adverse effects of smoking, he might be less likely to take up
this
 bad habit in
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
adulthood. Public campaigns and
health
 protection programmes,
thus
, should be promoted so that
people
 know how to protect their
health
 effectively. In conclusion, the growing prevalence of
sports
 facilities has brought a wide range of
health
 benefits for
people
; yet, I personally believe that raising public awareness through
health
 campaigns would have a more positive impact on improving
people
’s
health
.
Submitted by phamngoclannhu.97 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical sequence throughout the essay. While the essay has a sound structure, there are opportunities to show more sophisticated logical connections between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion to frame the essay, which you have done well. Ensure they are clearly related to the prompt and each other.
coherence cohesion
Develop each paragraph with a single clear main idea, supported by specific details or examples. Continue to expand on the examples you provide, to add depth to the argument.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task with a complete and relevant response. Ensure to discuss both sides of the argument comprehensively and present a clear opinion.
task achievement
Present clear and comprehensive ideas to support your argument. Occasionally more elaboration on points would aid in clarity.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to strengthen your response. Try to incorporate examples that are directly linked to the prompt, providing insight into the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • promote
  • physical activity
  • improve
  • public health
  • opportunities
  • regular exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • community involvement
  • social interactions
  • education
  • healthy lifestyles
  • policies
  • healthy eating habits
  • access
  • limited
  • location
  • affordability
  • cultural barriers
  • holistic approach
  • strategies
  • interventions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: