IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think that the government should increase the price of fattening foods to address this issue. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #government #price #foods #address
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In light of mounting obesity in society, it is often proposed that raising junk
food
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prices
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 is the foremost of solving
this
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 problem.
While
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 acknowledging the reasons for
this
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 proposal, I would argue that there are other superior solutions. Granted, proponents for increasing fattening
food
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 costs might be given based on the basic economic principle of supply and demand. Higher
food
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prices
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, they say, would lead to a reduction in demand for high-fat
food
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, which would be synonymous with a lower proportion of consumers.
However
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,
this
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 action would directly impact middle -and low-income earners as limitations in terms of finance they are facing.
In addition
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, increasing
food
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prices
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,
on the other hand
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, doesn’t affect rich ones, so it would contribute to the exacerbation of social inequal problems. Given the aforementioned limitations, I am convinced that the following measures would be more effective in dissuading people from consuming fattening foods and thereby curbing the obesity epidemic.
First,
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it is imperative that nutritious education be added to the school’s curriculum and that more propaganda strategies be advertised broadly on every multimedia.
Such
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 a measure should be executed in tandem with imposing more stringent regulations about the nutrition proportion of junk foods.
For example
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, any fat-
food
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 should have a scale in the index of fat elements and calories which buyers could have noted before deciding to buy.
Such
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 drastic actions could go a long way towards encouraging people to stop or reduce eating fatty foods without raising the
prices
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. To summarize, I would contend that imposing higher
prices
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 for fat-
food
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 would fail to prevent people from obesity and the better solutions are nutritious education and strictly requiring entrepreneurs to follow the nutritional information so that customers could understand well what they are going to buy.
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task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples to support the points. For example, cite a case where increasing junk food prices led to a decrease in obesity rates in a specific country, or an example of a successful school nutrition education program.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by clearly linking each paragraph back to your main argument. This can make your argument more persuasive and the essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear statement of your stance and summarizing key points effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed the main points of the topic, discussing both the impact of increasing food prices and alternative solutions. This shows a good understanding of the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fattening foods
  • obesity epidemic
  • public health
  • government intervention
  • taxation policy
  • price elasticity
  • consumer behavior
  • socioeconomic impact
  • nutritional education
  • lifestyle changes
  • healthier alternatives
  • balanced diet
  • financial incentives
  • eating habits
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