IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people claim that arts such as painting and music cannot affect people’s lives directly. The government should spend money on other things. what is your opinion?

#people #arts #music #people’s #lives #government #money
The government should have created a budgetary plan for the spending. Yet, I think the authority should have performed the survey and
then
 categorized that into spending criteria on things
such
 as building infrastructure, building recreational centres, etc. Some people say spending money on arts is not beneficial for them.
However
, I argue that exploring ancient or modern painting can teach us a lot in terms of history, geography, ancient times, etc.
Besides
 that, music is one of the oldest art in the history of
this
 planet. There are so many rhythms and different equipment to produce music.
For example
, there are quite a number of temples hand carved on marble which reveals that ancient human creativity is directly affecting us as we process
this
 information and some historians try to learn from those
such
 as the age of the stone, how the ancient people used to live, and many more.
On the other hand
, the authority should pay attention to the country's health in a way that all the states are well inter-connected.
Furthermore
, the nation should have an excellent infrastructure with modern technology, keeping environmental issues in mind, trying to splurge money on electric vehicles
such
 as electric cars, light rails, and electric buses.
Additionally
, the states should encourage farming in the whole nation because of global warming, there are some areas where no vegetables for diet.
For instance
, Rajasthan is a drought area when there is no rain. The government should have built a water pipeline system where the country can send water from the ocean or lake through the pipes.
To conclude
, spending money on the nation or the country's people will never go to waste whether you disburse on arts or on infrastructure.
Therefore
, the authorities have to make the right decisions on the expenditures.
Submitted by grishma1908 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Although the essay is quite clear and comprehensive, there's a need to be more precise when expressing ideas. Being clear and concise can convey the message more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Although there is a logical flow of ideas, transitions could have been smoother. Make sure the connection between different points are more comprehensible. Use appropriate cohesive devices to enhance the flow of your essay.
lexical resource
The lexical resource is adequate, however, the essay lacks enough variety of academic and topic-specific words. Try to use synonyms and also combine words in different ways.
grammar
The grammatical range used is good with some complex structures. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be improved for better clarity. Make sure to proofread the essay to correct minor errors.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: