IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people play sports when they are young but the stop doing physical exercise when they become adults. Why do so many adults stop doing physical exercise? what can be done about this problem?

#people #sports #stop #exercise #adults
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Most people do a lot of physical
activities
Use synonyms
 in their childhood and adolescence.
However
Linking Words
, they stop playing
sports
Use synonyms
 in their adult
life
Use synonyms
. I believe that the main reason for
this
Linking Words
 is the pace of nowadays
life
Use synonyms
.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
 the current
every-day
Correct your spelling
everyday
show examples
life
Use synonyms
, society
expect
Change the verb form
expects
show examples
 that adults work a lot.
Besides
Linking Words
, they have a lot of responsibilities and bills to pay, so, there is a lack of time to play
sports
Use synonyms
 and do physical exercise. When we are young the only responsibility is studying and playing. So, there is enough time to do outside
activities
Use synonyms
 and play
sports
Use synonyms
. In fact, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents
stimulating
Wrong verb form
stimulate
show examples
 their kids to try several types of
sports
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as football, swimming, basketball, running,
judo
Correct word choice
and judo
show examples
, among others.
In addition
Linking Words
, the school
incentive
Correct your spelling
incentivises
show examples
 the students to do physical exercises and
promote
Correct subject-verb agreement
promotes
show examples
 championships,
for instance
Linking Words
. These
activities
Use synonyms
 are very important to
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development, for mental and physical
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, when we are adults, we have too many responsibilities and a few free
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
. An adult must
concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
show examples
 about jobs, bills, taxes, taking and picking up the kids at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school,
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
shopping, cleaning the house, cooking, and so on.
Then
Linking Words
, there is no time to do physical exercise or play
sports
Use synonyms
. It is a problem because our
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 can be
worst
Correct word choice
worse
show examples
. A possible solution for
this
Linking Words
 problem is trying to include
sports
Use synonyms
 or physical
activities
Use synonyms
 in the routine. Another solution is
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 employers promote a healthy
life
Use synonyms
 for their employees.
For example
Linking Words
, some companies offer vouchers to their employees
do
Fix the infinitive
to do
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
partners
Change the noun form
partner
show examples
 gyms.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it is a serious issue
adults
Correct word choice
that adults
show examples
 do not
physical
Change the word
physically
show examples
exercises
Correct subject-verb agreement
exercise
show examples
 or play
sports
Use synonyms
. It can
commit
Verb problem
affect
show examples
 their
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 and contribute to illness. All the society should help people have a healthy
life
Use synonyms
, especially the employers.
Submitted by fmulato on

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task achievement
Make sure to address both the reasons why adults stop doing physical exercise and what can be done about the problem. Consider providing more examples and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure with an introduction and a conclusion. Keep up the good work!
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary by using a wider range of words and phrases. Additionally, try to include more idiomatic language to make your writing more natural.
grammatical range
You demonstrate a good understanding of sentence structures and use them accurately. However, try to incorporate a wider range of complex and varied sentence structures to showcase your grammatical range.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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