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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that the most successful organization is mainly because the managers and workers can communicate well with each other. However, other people claim that there are more important factors the make an organization successful. Discuss both point of views and give your own opinion.

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The majority of folks believe a community can be successful if the leaders and members can transfer their opinions to each other.
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Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
 some of them
also
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 state that there are other essential reasons to make an organization advanced.
This
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 essay will show my opinion about both sides. Communication is one of the ways to achieve a conclusion either in a group or private discussion because through that we can produce some perspective from the case that we resolve, particularly in terms of organization
such
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 as
company
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 work
team
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.
For instance
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, in 2023, I did an internship in the financial industry,
thus
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 I had a task with my
team
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 to finish a project. In a short story, one of my friends just left the assignment without any confirmation and she did not tell her problem why she could not finish that,
finally
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 because of one mistake
hence
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 all of my
team
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 got punished. That evidence of a failed event can be affected by a lack of discussion. The quality of the citizens in an organization
also
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 can be the main factor in how successful they are. The entrepreneurs believe that if they can invest in humans, their
company
Use synonyms
 becomes more developed than others.
For example
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,
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company
Correct article usage
a company
show examples
 will find the best candidate for their
team
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 to work together through LinkedIn, and they will search for sufficient talent based on their
skills
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, education, and portfolio. Hopefully, they can reach an excellent employee who is capable for their
company
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. In conclusion, communication and
skills
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 related to the group are important for maintaining. Society should think about hard
skills
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 and soft
skills
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, not just education level to hiring someone for vacancies.

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coherence cohesion
Consider improving the variety and complexity of your sentences to enhance readability and engagement.
task achievement
Enhance the clarity of your argument by more explicitly stating your own opinion towards the end of the introduction and clearly reiterate it in the conclusion.
task achievement
Try to use a more formal and varied vocabulary to precisely express your ideas and to add depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Focus on developing your paragraphs with more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your main points.
task achievement
Your essay effectively discusses both viewpoints, showing a balanced understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay, with clear paragraphs for each point, helps in making your argument coherent.
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