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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
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To start with, it is true that nowadays it is becoming more frequent for sick people to avoid going to their doctor and try
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
alternative methods and treatments. I believe
this
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 action is highly dangerous, as normal people are not qualified to medicate themselves and in some cases, it could be fatal.
Firstly
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, ill patients often look for solutions on the net. There, you can find real help published by professionals which can help cure them, unfortunately, there are tons of fake news. You can search for any solution from a headache,to cancer and still be able to find any kind of pseudo-cure that you can think of and
consequently
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, worsen your health.
For instance
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, a study conducted by the University of York in 2020, found that 20% of the so-called cures on the web are fake or not proven.
Secondly
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, the doctors are there to help us when we are sick. It means that they are professionals, they have studied for a long time, and have enough experience and resources to treat us. Medicine is evolving, and fortunately, we possess new machines and treatments that are already proven for our welfare.
For example
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, an article from the Medical New York Post showed that an average person with a hard headache, and without knowledge of medicine, takes painkillers 95 per cent of the time without consulting any doctor and 3 per cent of them have fatal consequences.
To conclude
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, I wholeheartedly criticize the fact that those who start healing themselves
instead
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 of consulting a doctor.
This
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 is because the doctors are already professionals and know the right ways of treating you and
then
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also
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 it is dangerous looking for solutions on the internet where you can find whatever.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction is relevant to the task and provides a clear opinion. However, it lacks a clear preview of the main points.
coherence cohesion
The body paragraphs are well-developed and provide relevant examples. However, the conclusion is brief and doesn't summarize the main points effectively.
lexical resource
There is a range of vocabulary used appropriately to express ideas. However, some phrases could be improved for clarity and precision.
grammatical range
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar with mostly accurate sentence structures. However, there are a few errors that could be corrected for clarity.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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