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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities. Other, however, say that this would have limit effect on public health and that other measure are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There are arguments about whether the best idea to improve public
health
Use synonyms
 is by creating more
sports
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 facilities;
whereas
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 other people believe
that is
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 not sufficient enough to make a significant impact. From my standpoint, I agree with the latter viewpoint because there are amount of individuals who cannot afford to go to the
sports
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 station and there is another way to improve the quality of
health
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. On the one hand, it could be accepted that
sports
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 facilities support all ages to improve their well-being.
In these
Change preposition
These
show examples
 places provide tools
such
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 as
gyms
Change the noun form
gym
show examples
 equipment and
also
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 personal trainers to explain and give motivation and create
Add an article
a program
show examples
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
we
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
based on what we need.
Nonetheless
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, the payment to gain all of
this
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 should not be overlooked because renting a place for practice and hiring a constructor may lead to high prices.
For instance
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, I did some interviews at the gymnasium in Medan, Indonesia, and 63% who have
gym’s
Change noun form
gym
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 membership say the price is extremely expensive for those who do not have a stable job yet.
On the other hand
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, there are many activities to reach a healthy life without spending much
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
pennies that
also
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 benefit the wellness of individuals. First of all, everyone could go jogging every morning before starting
another activities
Replace the adjective
another activity
other activities
show examples
 to train cardiovascular.
Moreover
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, people
also
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 have to eat healthy food, like vegetables or fruits and try to avoid eating any fast food because it has harmful effects on the body.
For example
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, a research paper from a lecturer at the University of Indonesia emphasizes that training the body before starting daily life is a great choice because it will extend people’s spirit during the day and can prevent any kind of infectious disease. In conclusion,
although
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 increasing the number of
sports
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 centres can lead to improved public
health
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, I firmly believe that
this
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 would have little impact on community
health
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 and there are some ways which are more affordable and efficient to be done.

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task achievement
Provide more specific and detailed examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more precise and varied language.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity and accuracy.
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