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Band 3

The graph below shown the number of visitors to three mesumes between 2000 and 2005.

#visitors #three #mesumes
The bar chart
illustrated
Wrong verb form
illustrates
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 the
figure
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figures
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of
Change preposition
for
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visitors
of
Change preposition
to
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 three museums between the
year
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years
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of
Change preposition
apply
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2000 to 2005.
Overall
, the visitor numbers for MET and National increased across the reporting years
while
 the visitor trend of Edo was varying. National Mesume in China had 6
million
 times of visits annually in 2000 and steadily went up
1
Change preposition
by 1
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million
visitors
 in the next 4 years and reached 11
million
 at the year of 2004.
Finally
, in 2005, there was a significate jump of 5
million
 visiting, from 11
million
 to nearly 16
million
. Met Mesume in New York has a similar trend except the number of
visitors
 was half in 2001, from 12
million
 down to 6
million
. Afterwards, the visiting moved upward from 6
million
 in 2001 to 14
million
at the end
 of
reporting
Add an article
the reporting
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 period, 2005. Edo Mesume in Tokyo had a V-shape trending. At the beginning of the 2 reporting periods, 2000 and 2001, the number of people who went to Edo was 14
million
 in a year.
However
, the figure went down and reached the bottom of 6
million
 in
the
Change the article
apply
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2003, afterwards the number of
visitors
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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resumed and went up again to reach 10
million
.
Submitted by sangelamami on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that all main points are clearly supported with relevant details and examples.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to include an introduction that provides an overview of the information presented in the chart, and a conclusion summarizing the main trends.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary and use more varied and precise language.
grammatical range
Review your sentence structures and grammar to eliminate errors and improve accuracy.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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