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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some cultures, Children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
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It is quite common these days that guardians tell their children that they can obtain success if they effort regularly. It is my belief that the positive
effects
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 of
this
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 phenomenon could outweigh its disadvantages. There are several drawbacks
of
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to
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 giving children
this
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 information. A common reason is that youngsters can get harmful
effects
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. As they try to maintain the rule by following that they may get a positive view, but sometimes it will bring unexpected
effects
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.
For instance
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, Alfred Nobel invented dynamite which is a very destructive element though it has many good reviews. When a pupil tries to make these sorts of products , he might face an explosion or an accident. Another negative aspect can be mental problems.
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, Many times mentors force learners to cut a brilliant result, at the moment they get acute mental stress which is detrimental to their regular life.
For
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this
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 reason, they behave as an insane person . It is definitely negative feedback.
However
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, in spite of these negative
effects
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, the idea parents suggest some guidelines of past days which help to get them achievement can bring about important benefits. One obvious advantage is self-confidence. When youngsters are instilled with the belief in themself, they will have enough perseverance to get through difficult tasks and setbacks.
This
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 will develop essential skills
such
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 as resilience, self-efficacy and a growth mindset.
For instance
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, when a child is constantly told that they will be successful if he tries hard, he will find a way to overcome
while
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 dealing with challenges, even if he is
initially
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 daunted. Another positive effect is the never-give-up habit which is most required of successful people. Steve Jobs,
for instance
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, was from a family which taught him to try hard enough for every task that he wanted to do, and we could see his ultimate success story everywhere. In conclusion, it seems to me that the potential benefits of teaching their kids that if they put in some extra rigid effort, they can accomplish every task assigned are more worthwhile than the possible harm.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear stance on the advantages and disadvantages of giving children the message that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. However, some of the arguments made could be further developed and supported with more specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The ideas are generally well connected, but there are a few instances where the reasoning could be clearer.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary and employs some academic language. However, there are instances of word choice that could be improved, as well as a few repetitive phrases.
grammatical range
Overall, the essay shows a good control of grammar and sentence structure. However, there are a few minor errors in punctuation and verb tense consistency that can be corrected.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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