IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Successful professional athletes can earn much more than people in other important professions, such as nurses, doctors and teacher.Someone considers it quite justified, and someone considers it unfair.To what extent tdo you agree or disagree?

#athletes #people #professions #nurses #doctors #teacher #someone #tdo
Valued Educated
Personels
Correct your spelling
Personnel
can receive better
paycheck
Fix the agreement mistake
paychecks
show examples
 than other professionals in other fields.
This
 can be seen as a norm or not, but, in my own view, it is
Add an article
the
an
show examples
acceptable norm that some employees in some fields earn more.
Firstly
, some
Proffesional
Correct your spelling
Professional
 fields require more energy, time, and dedication,
for example
 , a nurse. Working as a nurse
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 be demanding and requires the
worker
Change noun form
worker's
show examples
 love, patience, time, and critical thinking.
While
this
 profession requires you to be on the ground regularly, we have some
professions
Replace the word
professionals
show examples
 who will offer you to work remotely. Meanwhile, receiving a higher salary can be seen as a reward for hard work, and
this
 is why a reward for an engineer receiving a better paycheck is considered positive.
While
 some engineers engage
oil
Change preposition
in oil
show examples
 rigs some engineers
sits
Change the verb form
sit
show examples
 with
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
 in the comfort of their zone. In conclusion, Receiving
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better pay for a job well done is worthwhile and is acceptable
While
 some individuals spend all their time to make our world a better place some are busy working
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the comfort of their houses. A better
pay check
Correct your spelling
paycheck
show examples
 should be given to a hard and smart working individual.
Therefore
, in my opinion, I agree that some professional athletes should receive more pay than others.
Submitted by chikashabetty on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are missing from the essay. Make sure to include a clear introduction that presents the topic and your stance, and a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your opinion.
task achievement
The essay lacks specific examples to support your points. Incorporate specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments.
lexical resource
The essay lacks some variety in vocabulary. Try to incorporate more diverse and appropriate vocabulary to enhance your writing.
grammatical range
There are some grammatical errors in the essay. Review your grammar and sentence structures to minimize errors and improve clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: