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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

People living in large cities today face many problems in their everyday life. What are these problems? What should governments do to solve the problems?

#people #cities #face #life #governments
It is said that residents in large cities
leading
Wrong verb form
lead
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 to several concerns. In
this
 essay, I’ll clarify these issues and suggest some solutions that governments can take into consideration to solve.
To begin
 with, I think the biggest problem is population growth. The reasons are varied. The first reason is that it can make living expenses increase. The proportion is more and
more increased
Wrong verb form
increasing
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 so the employment opportunities are
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreasing
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. Meanwhile, commodity prices increase too much. The second reason is increased levels of pollution.
Due to
 high volumes of traffic, the number of congestion is huge.
For
this
 reason, noise pollution seems to be common. Ho Chi Minh City is a prime example;
with
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apply
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a large proportion, the loud car alarms affect significantly the quality of life.
Due to
 the fact that there are a lot of issues, I propose some solutions.
Firstly
, planners and developers should create more green spaces for residents. It can encourage people to stay outdoors and improve their health.
For instance
, in 2018, after Jacker Park was inaugurated, there were a lot of people going there to do
excercies
Correct your spelling
exercises
exercise
.
Secondly
, the developers should provide more cultural areas, provide venues for art, music, and street
theater
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theatre
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.
Therefore
, these kinds of performance spaces should be prioritized.
Thirdly
, government should provide more job opportunities for residents, and encourage businesses to develop. It can reduce the dwellers’ financial stress and improve their life quantity. In conclusion, from all the reasons I have mentioned above, I think there are a lot of
Correct your spelling
concern
concerns
cencern
Correct your spelling
concerns
 that government should solve
Submitted by Soobinsj13 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay's structure needs improvement to ensure clarity and the logical progression of ideas. It would benefit from clearer topic sentences and better paragraphing.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more effectively written. In particular, the conclusion could restate the main points more clearly and provide a stronger final thought.
task achievement
While the essay attempts to answer the prompt, it needs to provide a more detailed exploration of the problems and proposed solutions for them to be considered well-supported.
task achievement
The essay lacks a clear comprehensive response to the task. There is some repetition and lack of detail, which weakens the overall content. Elaborate on the ideas and provide in-depth analysis to enhance task achievement.
task achievement
Some of the examples provided are relevant but need to be further developed to strongly support the main points. More specific details and explanation would strengthen the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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