IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion,

#people #happiness #success #factors
Happiness
 is a state of mind. It
is says
Change the verb form
is said
show examples
 to many people that,
individuals
Change the noun form
individual
show examples
happiness
 inter related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic
success
. To many
others
Add a comma
others,
show examples
 it
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that
joy
Correct article usage
the joy
show examples
 of
life
 depends on health,
family
Correct word choice
and family
show examples
. bonding and secure income
source
Fix the agreement mistake
sources
show examples
. My
openion
Correct your spelling
opinion
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
also
 the same, a
persons
Change to a genitive case
person's
show examples
 happy
life
 depends on other things as well not only financial
Success
. The main reason given by People who
says
Change the verb form
say
show examples
 a person’s
happiness
depend
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
 on the
money
 are following. First of all with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sufficient
money
ones
Replace the word
one
show examples
 can
effort
Verb problem
afford
show examples
house
Correct article usage
a house
show examples
, flat, car affordable lavish
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 which can give
happiness
.
Secondly
 with moneypPerson can have more Power in the family and in
socity
Correct your spelling
society
. The combination of financial stability
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
happiness
 stability and
the a
Choose an article
the
a
show examples
 person can have
happiness
.
On the other hand
, people who
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been
strugling
Correct your spelling
struggling
 to have the basic need of
life
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cannot get a joyful
life
.
SOme
Correct your spelling
Some
show examples
are not agree
Change the verb form
do not agree
show examples
 that
happiness
 can be with financial stability or
success
 to illustrate, having
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 understanding family and
life
 partner can bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enormous joy in
life
.
Healthy
Add an article
A healthy
show examples
life
 is the gift of God. Which is crucial to
makes
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
life
 better, that
can no
Correct your spelling
cannot
show examples
 buy with
money
.
To have
Change the verb form
Having
show examples
 obedient children,
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a secure job and
sustainable
Correct article usage
a sustainable
show examples
 business can give
extra
Correct article usage
an extra
show examples
happy
Replace the word
happiness
show examples
 and satisfactory
life
. One can have
million
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
dollar
Correct your spelling
million-dollar
show examples
 balance in account but suffering from cancer is meaningless with the amount of
money
.
To
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my point of view, it is undoubted that only economic
success
 is not enough to be happy in
life
. The factors like having a supportive family, obedient children,
loving
Correct article usage
a loving
show examples
 partner, job satisfaction and, living a meaningful
life
 can make a person happier throughout
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
.
Life
 is the combination of all of these elements, where
money
 is one important element not
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
. TO have insufficient
money
 is
also
 not feasible to survive in
this
 expensive world.
To conclude
,
happy
Correct article usage
the happy
show examples
life
 of one person can not be
depended
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on
money
 only. All other essential facts are crucial to live a happy and healthy
life
.
Submitted by intothewildasalex on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and coherence. Work on organizing your ideas and linking them together cohesively.
task achievement
The essay does not fully address the task. Consider focusing on the given topic and providing a balanced view before expressing your own opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: