IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
It is obvious that the young generation is exposed to a higher pressure on academic achievement these days, which in return, puts less attention on the non-academic subjects. Apparently, I personally agree with the risen importance of intellectual learning in accordance to tackle a higher intensity of workforce competition yet still equipping the youth with the non-intellectual skills to maintain their wellness. The academic subjects which are being taught by collegiate institutions perform as the fundamental skills for the younger generation to fulfil a higher demand in the labour market.
Accordingly
, world-class firms
such
 as 500 Fortune companies only hire the most qualified graduates with exceptional academic performance.
Thus
,
this
 evidence shows the importance of studious achievement which puts more pressure on younger people.
On the contrary
, a higher intensity
that is
 faced by the students needs to be handled
accordingly
 by learning informal subjects to maintain their stress level.
For example
, younger people ought to be unplugged from studying during the weekend to do their hobbies,
such
 as doing sports, playing musical instruments, and so forth.
Therefore
, the youth would live their life easier
while
 handling a lot of pressure from the intellectual responsibilities. All in all, recent generations have undoubtedly had to overcome a risen demand for qualified studious performance in order to compete in the labour market,
likewise
, driving much strain in their life.
Hence
, they should pay attention to keeping a sufficient level of wellness by conducting their hobbies, which consist of informal capabilities in their leisure time.
Submitted by kania.tunggadewi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The introduction does not provide a clear response to the question, and the conclusion is weak. The main points lack development and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure, and the connection between ideas is weak. Consider using cohesive devices to better connect sentences and paragraphs.
lexical resource
The use of vocabulary is varied, but some expressions are awkward and unclear. Try to use more precise and appropriate vocabulary, and pay attention to collocations and idiomatic language.
grammatical range
While the essay demonstrates a generally good grasp of grammar, there are some errors and awkward phrasings. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and sentence structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: