IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

#children #hours #smartphones
It is not uncommon to see some
children
 spend an excessive amount of time on their
smartphones
 daily.
Reasons
Correct article usage
The reasons
show examples
 why they do it vary, and I believe it is a change for the worse. The primary reason
to explain
Verb problem
for
show examples
 the prevalent
use
 of
smartphones
 among
children
 is
entertainment
.
Children
 have instant access to an extensive range of online recreation options
such
 as music, mobile games, social media,
movie
Correct word choice
and movie
show examples
 streaming platforms on their mobile devices. Being readily available,
entertainment
 makes
smartphones
 tempting for
children
, causing them to spend an inordinate amount of time on their mobile phones daily. Changes in the education system
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 one other major catalyst for the growing
use
 of
smartphones
 among
children
.
While
 in the past electronics were generally prohibited for educational purposes, they are now welcomed in
as well as
 outside the classroom. In
this
 sense, a shift in attitudes towards electronics in the context of education has prompted the prevalent
use
 of
smartphones
 among young students. Despite these reasons, I share the view that the constant
use
 of
smartphones
 among
children
 is an
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
show examples
 change.
This
 is primarily because
smartphones
 can be a source of distraction. The availability of unlimited
entertainment
 on these devices distracts
children
 from their studies and
extra-curriculars
Correct your spelling
extracurriculars
.
As a result
, they develop idle
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and short attention span, which is not only detrimental to their academic performance
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 to their personal growth. More concerning is a decline in
children
’s
overall
health
 from smartphone overuse. The excessive
use
 of
smartphones
 is known to lead to
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle - followed by bad posture and obesity.
As well as
 their physical
health
,
children
’s mental
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 is
also
 at stake. Mental
health
 issues arise
due to
 daily exposure to social media: it magnifies the negative effects of peer pressure, causing depression and sadness. In conclusion, easy access to
entertainment
 and changing trends in education are the main reasons behind the rising
use
 of
smartphones
 among
children
. I,
however
, consider
this
 trend to be a negative one seeing as
smartphones
 are distracting, and they impair
children
’s
overall
health
.
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide more specific and detailed examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure could be further improved by using linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and improve coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary by using a wider variety of words and expressions to avoid repetition.
grammatical range
While your grammatical range is generally good, pay attention to sentence structures and try to vary them more for a better range.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: