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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

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It is not uncommon to see some
children
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 spend an excessive amount of time on their
smartphones
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 daily.
Reasons
Correct article usage
The reasons
show examples
 why they do it vary, and I believe it is a change for the worse. The primary reason
to explain
Verb problem
for
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 the prevalent
use
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 of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 is
entertainment
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.
Children
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 have instant access to an extensive range of online recreation options
such
Linking Words
 as music, mobile games, social media,
movie
Correct word choice
and movie
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 streaming platforms on their mobile devices. Being readily available,
entertainment
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 makes
smartphones
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 tempting for
children
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, causing them to spend an inordinate amount of time on their mobile phones daily. Changes in the education system
is
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are
show examples
 one other major catalyst for the growing
use
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 of
smartphones
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 among
children
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.
While
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 in the past electronics were generally prohibited for educational purposes, they are now welcomed in
as well as
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 outside the classroom. In
this
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 sense, a shift in attitudes towards electronics in the context of education has prompted the prevalent
use
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 of
smartphones
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 among young students. Despite these reasons, I share the view that the constant
use
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 of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 is an
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
show examples
 change.
This
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 is primarily because
smartphones
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 can be a source of distraction. The availability of unlimited
entertainment
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 on these devices distracts
children
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 from their studies and
extra-curriculars
Correct your spelling
extracurriculars
.
As a result
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, they develop idle
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and short attention span, which is not only detrimental to their academic performance
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 to their personal growth. More concerning is a decline in
children
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’s
overall
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health
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 from smartphone overuse. The excessive
use
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 of
smartphones
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 is known to lead to
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle - followed by bad posture and obesity.
As well as
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 their physical
health
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,
children
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’s mental
wellbeing
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well-being
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 is
also
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 at stake. Mental
health
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 issues arise
due to
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 daily exposure to social media: it magnifies the negative effects of peer pressure, causing depression and sadness. In conclusion, easy access to
entertainment
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 and changing trends in education are the main reasons behind the rising
use
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 of
smartphones
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 among
children
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. I,
however
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, consider
this
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 trend to be a negative one seeing as
smartphones
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 are distracting, and they impair
children
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’s
overall
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health
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.

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Improvement Suggestions

4
task response

Provide more specific and detailed examples to support your points.

coherence cohesion

The essay's structure could be further improved by using linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and improve coherence and cohesion.

lexical resource

Expand your range of vocabulary by using a wider variety of words and expressions to avoid repetition.

grammatical range

While your grammatical range is generally good, pay attention to sentence structures and try to vary them more for a better range.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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