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Band 4.5

Today many people do not know their neighbor in large cities. what problem does this cause ? what can be done with this ?

#people #neighbor #cities
In the modern generation, teenagers
Add the comma(s)
, as well as adults,
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as well as
 adults prefer adding friends,
taking
Correct word choice
and taking
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advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
 from the Internet rather than talking traditionally with
neighbors
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neighbours
show examples
. As long as
this
 situation continues,
people
 will become separated.
Firstly
, let's talk about the causes. There are two main causes that lead to
this
 issue.
To begin
 with, citizens who emigrated to cities from the countryside do not have a connection
between
Change preposition
with
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 everyone. So , they see everyone as strangers and can not open
hearts
Correct pronoun usage
their hearts
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 to others.
For example
, there are so many criminals had stole money from countryside
people
 in the newspaper.
Therefore
, they are afraid of face-to-face making friends.
Moreover
, local
people
 who were born and grew up in cities have too many problems that they have to deal with in life and do not have time to communicate. Usually, local
people
 have enough knowledge about some parts of daily life.
However
, because of
this
, the fighting rate is higher than ever. They must learn more,
work
Correct word choice
and work
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 harder if they want to be successful and have large sums of money.
As a consequence
, they will not care much about
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
.
This
 problem can be solved by contrasting ways of causes. Citizens need to spend some minutes each day communicating with
neighbours
. Some regards might make your day better. It is
also
 a way to take care.
Furthermore
,
neighbours
 can add friends on social media to make a connection between both.
As a result
,
people
 will be closer to their
neighbours
. In summary, many
people
 do not know their
neighbours
 in the present day. But in my point of view, everyone will be closer if they spend some time taking care of each other.
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task response
The essay addresses the causes and solutions to the problem of people not knowing their neighbors in large cities. However, the explanation lacks depth and clarity. There is a need to provide more comprehensive and relevant ideas to fully address the task.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, but the introduction and conclusion could be more purposeful and engaging. Additionally, the essay lacks a clear flow of ideas and could benefit from better coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary and uses some appropriate expressions. However, there is a need for more varied and precise vocabulary to express ideas more effectively.
grammatical range
The essay shows a reasonable command of grammatical structures, with some errors in sentence structure, verb tense, and word choice. To improve, focus on using a wider range of grammatical structures and ensuring more accurate sentence constructions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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