IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Childhood obesity is increasing at rapid rates in developed countries. What are some of the causes of this problem? What are some ways in which childhood obesity rates can be reduced?

#childhood #obesity #rates #countries
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Nowadays, in occidental
Add a comma
counties,
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counties
Correct your spelling
countries
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 obesity has had an incredible rise for the
last
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 years. Actually,
this
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 health problem is
seeing
Wrong verb form
seen
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 in the youngest, a fact that should concern
to
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apply
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our government and take action about it. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to discuss some of the causes and possible solutions that
this
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 issue may
has
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have
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. In my humble opinion, I think that the main cause is the new habits of the teenagers. They spend more time on a chair, doing class,
homework
Add a missing verb
doing homework
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as well
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as
Correct word choice
and
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 playing games on the computer or watching television
instead
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 of doing sports or playing outside.
Furthermore
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, most of the sports activities have to be
payed
Correct your spelling
paid
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,
as a result
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, a lot of families cannot
afford
Add the particle
afford to
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 take their children to play football or
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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volleyball.
Moreover
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, the increase
of
Change preposition
in
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 food taxes has had an incredible impact
in
Change preposition
on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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obesity rates, because it is cheaper to buy a pack of biscuits than bananas, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 nuts. Possible solutions to
this
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 problem may be promoting free physical activities in communities that
provides
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provide
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 families with
less
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fewer
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 resources the opportunity to give their teenagers some outside entertainment.
Additionally
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,
government
Add an article
the government
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 should
get
Verb problem
cut
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 down the prices of green stores.
Finally
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, children should have a
limit
Replace the word
limited
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 time of technology and be encouraged to go play in the park. In conclusion, obesity is a dilemma that just
develop
Wrong verb form
developed
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 countries
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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. We should start to
arise
Correct your spelling
raise
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 the overfeeding that occidental inhabitants have, and think
solutions
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of solutions
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 to face
this
Linking Words
 issue, beginning with our youngest, because they are the future of our communities.
Submitted by bertavicedovillarraso on

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task achievement
Improve task achievement by addressing all parts of the question thoroughly. Ensure that causes and solutions are clearly presented and supported with specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on coherence and cohesion to ensure a clearer and more logical structure. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas, and ensure that the introduction and conclusion are more substantial and effective.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to communicate more precise and varied meanings. Use academic and formal language to convey ideas and arguments effectively.
grammatical range
Enhance grammatical range by using a wider variety of complex sentence structures. Review punctuation and sentence structure to ensure clarity and precision in expression.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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