IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that animals should be kept in men made cells. What are the disadvantages of keeping animal in zoos?

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Introduction
Certain Individuals ponder that
animals
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 should
kept
Verb problem
be kept
show examples
 in
zoos
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, since they view the
animals
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 as a product for entertainment and interaction. In my opinion,
although
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 there are clear advantages and disadvantages of keeping
animals
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 in
zoos
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, these are only expressed in practical terms, without focusing on animal welfare. In
this
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 essay, I will provide some evidence
along with
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 some
relative
Correct word choice
relevant
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 examples in
further
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 paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,
zoos
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 have gained great popularity
due to
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 our
cursiness
Correct your spelling
curiosity
 in interacting and being closer to wild
animals
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.
However
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, few people wonder whether
animals
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 really live a full life or only survive in well-decorated spaces with food.
Although
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animals
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 in captivity may appear to be in good condition at first glance, the reality is that they often live in a state of constant stress.
For example
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, a group of experts examined a group of primates in a famous zoo in California to measure their levels of stress and anxiety in their habitat. The study showed that their level was moderate to high, especially during the days when more people visited the zoo.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, simply keeping
animals
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 in captivity to interact with humans does not necessarily imply a form of exploitation and mistreatment.
For instance
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, some animal reserves provide places for
animals
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 without removing them from their natural habitat. One of these is " Mindo", located in the Amazon equator, where people can learn, feed and even touch
animals
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, in a natural and free environment, which
also
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 gathers funds and makes visitors aware of animal enclosures in captivity. In
this
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 regard,
zoos
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 that profit from
animals
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 should aim for the same goal
,
Punctuation problem
:
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 to give visitors a chance to discover
animals
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 in their natural habitat without subjecting them to constant stress.
Moreover
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, and no less important, the savings in food, veterinary, and maintenance would be enormous, since they would get all of that naturally.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, animal welfare in
zoos
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 should be a priority, considering that the
animals
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 are kept outside their natural habitats in confined spaces and exposed to intense external stimuli. Today, there are alternatives that serve the same entertainment purpose without compromising the
animals
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' mental health,
while
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 offering visitors an even more enriching and intimate experience.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. The task asks for the bad sides of zoos, but your second main part says that keeping animals does not always mean harm. Make both main parts about clear bad sides, such as stress, little space, loss of natural habits, and health problems.
task response
Your first paragraph says there are both good and bad sides, but the task asks only for bad sides. State your view in a simple way: zoos can harm animals because they live in small spaces and face stress from people.
task response
The example about Mindo is more about a good choice than a bad side of zoos. It can stay as a short final idea, but first give a full paragraph on another problem in zoos.
task response
Give more detail about why small or fake habitats are harmful. For example, animals may not hunt, move far, live with the right group, or act as they do in the wild.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. In the second body paragraph, you move from reserves to money, animal food, and zoo goals. This makes the point less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simpler plan: start with your answer; body one on stress and crowds; body two on small spaces and loss of natural life; end by restating why zoos can be harmful.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas need to be clearer. For example, explain how the reserve example proves that zoos should change, or remove it if it does not support the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Check unclear phrases that may stop the reader. For example, “our cursiness” should be “our curiosity”, and “Amazon equator” needs a clearer place name.
task response
You give a clear main view: animal health should come before fun. You also explain stress in zoos and suggest a different way for people to see animals.
task response
The primate study is used well to show how crowds can cause stress. This makes your main point more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Words such as “However”, “For example”, and “To conclude” help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph brings the essay back to animal welfare and gives a clear final message.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • artificial enclosure
  • natural habitat
  • confined space
  • animal welfare
  • psychological stress
  • unnatural behaviour
  • physical and mental health
  • lack of stimulation
  • freedom of movement
  • survival skills
  • breed in captivity
  • release into the wild
  • social groups
  • separate offspring from parents
  • visitor attraction
  • commercial interests
  • constant human contact
  • poor living conditions
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