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Band 3

Some people think that one good way to promote world peace is through international sporting events, while others think that it is not. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #world #peace #events
Nowadays,international sporting
events
 become more important in
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
While
 some
people
 tend towards the viewpoint that a good way to promote
world
 peace is through international sporting
events
,I would have to support the idea that it is not to promote. On the one hand,it is understandable for some
people
 to believe that international sporting
events
 could connect
people
.
This
 is because when
people
 have the same topic or habit,it will easily make
people
 become closer.
For example
,
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 Cup is the most popular international sporting event every four years.In the years of
Add an article
the world
show examples
world cup
Correct your spelling
World Cup
show examples
,
people
 will
discussion
Replace the word
discuss
show examples
 the
events
 ,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 support their own nation,
in
Change preposition
During
show examples
this
 time
people
 become more unity.
On the other hand
,it is more convincing to me that international sporting
events
 are not a good way to promote
world
 peace.
Firstly
, organising international sporting
eventsevents
Correct your spelling
events events
 will cost a lot of money.
This
 is because the governments need to build some new sports
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
show examples
 and some
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 for sports
events
,it needs a lot of money and
people
,it may interrupt the
people
.
Secondly
, the fact that
people
's environment
also
 deserves our attention.
In other words
,international sporting
events
 will cause some air pollution, waste resources or some security problems for the country.
For example
.when finish a game we can see a lot of trash and some
people
feels
Change the verb form
feel
show examples
 sadness because the team they support get lost and easy to start a fight with others. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think that there are many ways to make
world
 peace ,but not international sporting
events
.
Submitted by ggrunrunderr on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks coherence and cohesion due to the inadequate logical structure and weak connection between ideas. The introduction and conclusion need improvement for better task fulfillment. Additionally, the main points are not sufficiently elaborated and developed throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay partially addresses the prompt but fails to provide a clear and comprehensive response. Some relevant points are made, but they lack strong supporting evidence and detail. The examples provided are not fully relevant to the argument and need further development for better task fulfillment.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • promote
  • world peace
  • international sporting events
  • understanding
  • unity
  • cultural exchange
  • diplomacy
  • shared purpose
  • common goals
  • reduce tensions
  • conflicts
  • positive nationalism
  • fair play
  • sportsmanship
  • teamwork
  • collaboration
  • break down stereotypes
  • prejudice
  • dialogue
  • communication
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