There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

Nowadays,Young

students

are facing a lot of pressure to obtain successful academic studies.

Hence

,some people believe that courses

such

as art and sports must be removed from the educational system, in order to encourage children to focus on academic work.

However

, I disagree with that statement and I will explain why in

this

essay. Introducing children to non-academic

subjects

is without a doubt crucial to their education.It helps uncover hidden talents they may have,which will lead to giving

students

more options in the future. As we all know

this

world has different jobs and occupations,

such

as doctors,teachers and artists, which guarantee balance in daily life.

Thus

,it is important to teach

subjects

like art and physical education to encourage

students

to find their passion

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

and decide what they want to become in the future.To illustrate, a study at New York University showed that 86.4% of young people who studied academic and non-academic

subjects

were able to choose their

career

Fix the agreement mistake

careers

show examples

wisely.

While

the ones who did not get that chance, struggled to determine if they

want

Wrong verb form

wanted

show examples

a certain job or not,and they ended up quitting.

Moreover

,it is important to teach children those

subjects

because it helps reduce stress.

Also

, it can be the perfect escape they need in order to focus on other

subjects

.As we know, a child needs some time to have fun.In fact, that can be a good reason for them to enjoy being at school.

For instance

,an article in Le Matin newspaper showed that

students

at schools that

offers

Change the verb form

offer

show examples

a variety of

subjects

are often relaxed and have better grades than others who only study academic

subjects

To sum up

,presenting a variety of

subjects

in educational institutions is key to success, because it allows young people to discover new things and determine what they want to be in the future.

Thus

, I totally disagree with the idea of only teaching academic material.

Submitted by kaoutar.eljaouhari50 on Sat Nov 11 2023

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Task Achievement

Make sure to address all aspects of the task question fully. Provide clear and comprehensive ideas that are relevant to the topic.

Coherence and Cohesion

Your essay shows good logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. Ensure that the ideas are logically organized within paragraphs and across the entire essay.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary. However, consider using more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions to enhance the lexical resource.

Grammatical Range

Your grammatical range is generally good, with a variety of sentence structures used. Watch out for tense consistency and minor errors in subject-verb agreement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

306 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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