IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some believe that people will purchase a product based on their needs and advertising is not needed. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#believe #people #purchase #product
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It has been widely claimed that smartphones are used by some young people for hours every day.
This
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 essay will first discuss the reason for the behaviour of using smartphones with
children
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 before elaborating on why I consider it to be a negative improvement.
To begin
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 with, it might seem reasonable for some to believe the claim because nowadays the
smartphone
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 is involved with basic activities of
children
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such
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 as communication or studying
due to
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 the technological development in society.
For example
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, many
children
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 use it to research knowledge from the internet and to communicate with their parents, since it is easier and more convenient than going to the library and writing a letter. From
this
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 perspective, it is understandable that using smartphones become an essential thing among them and it cannot be avoided because it is an important tool for routine life.
However
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, I personally believe that the circumstance leads to negative development because it could reduce the concentration of
children
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 on their education in physical classes in school.
For instance
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, using a
smartphone
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 to search for information could be a convenient and easy method because it is fast to assess the data,
however
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, it can cause any child to lack endurable skills in no available internet situation in case they only spend a too long duration of time on a
smartphone
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.
As a consequence
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, it would have a negative effect on their learning development in school. In conclusion, it is undeniable that a
smartphone
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 is a useful tool for young people, I am the option to believe that uncontrolled time to use technology could cause a negative side because it could be an obstacle to developing some skills of offspring
such
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 as concentration and enduration on education.
Submitted by kanittha.sma on

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task response
The introduction should clearly state your position on the issue and the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words to connect ideas and ensure that the ideas flow logically from one to the next.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary and use more varied expressions to convey your ideas.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity and coherence of ideas.
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