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Band 4.5

Many people in poor countries die from diseases that are curable because they cannot afford the medication required. Do you believe that drug companies should make their products available at reduced prices in these countries?

#people #countries #diseases #curable #medication #drug #companies #products #prices
Many
people
 in poor
countries
 die from diseases that are curable because they are not able to afford the required medication. I strongly agree that drug companies should make their products available at reduced
prices
 in these
countries
 to save
humans
Fix the agreement mistake
human
show examples
 lives.
To begin
 with, from my point of view all human beings are equal and they should have the same rights. The majority of individuals in rich
countries
 can afford
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to take medicine if there is a necessity, but the majority of
people
 in poor
countries
 do not have that right, and it is one of the reasons why I suppose drug companies should make their products available at reduced
prices
 in these
countries
.
Secondly
, in rich
countries
 the salary of individuals is high, what is more
Add a comma
,
show examples
there are many vacancies in those
countries
,
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
show examples
 if a person desires to find a job he is able to find it,
however
 in poor
countries
 the salary is too low, the majority of
people
 even can not live the life as they would like and needless to say that if they are not able to live the life as they would like they will not be able to afford the required medication.
In addition
, in poor
countries
undoubtedly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
it is much harder to find a job than in rich
countries
,
hence
, there are many unemployed
people
 in poor
countries
. It is pretty hard for
people
 who live in poor
countries
 to afford the required medication in case they get sick,
therefore
 drug companies should make their products available at reduced
prices
 in these
countries
 to save
people
's lives. In conclusion, in poor
countries
 the salary compared to rich
countries
 is low and finding a job is harder,
therefore
 drugs in these
countries
 should be available at reduced
prices
.
Submitted by lilit_margaryan2006 on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic but lacks depth and thorough analysis. It would benefit from providing more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the logical structure could be improved for better coherence. The essay jumps between ideas without clear and smooth transitions.
lexical resource
The essay uses a limited range of vocabulary and lacks precision. It would benefit from incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary to convey the ideas effectively.
grammatical range
The grammar is generally accurate, but there are some errors in sentence structure and use of tenses. A wider variety of sentence structures and more complex grammatical forms would enhance the essay's clarity and coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pharmaceuticals
  • Generic drugs
  • Patent laws
  • Healthcare disparity
  • Subsidies
  • Non-Governmental Organizations (NGOs)
  • Intellectual property
  • Epidemiology
  • Affordability
  • Global health initiatives
  • Corporate social responsibility
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