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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that a crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of bad person's nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #crime #poverty #person #nature
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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that a
crime
Use synonyms
 is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that
crime
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 is a result of
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
person
Use synonyms
's nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion In
this
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 modern world,
crime
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 is at its peak. Some individuals reckon that
crime
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 is happening
due to
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 social issues
such
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 as lack of money, and depression and others think that
crime
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 is totally dependent on a
person
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's bad nature
however
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, I think it depends on a
person
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 how he thinks towards the problems and their solutions.
This
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 essay will shed light on both sides in upcoming paragraphs. The first and foremost point is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the offence is increasing day by day
due to
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 social behaviours. These days
people
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 don't think about what they are saying, writing and posting on social media and they are violent and approach everything aggressively. To illustrate, daily newspapers are full of headlines like,
people
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 fighting on social media
due to
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 their personal grudges. In
this
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 way, they just got false information which leads to more aggression.
Moreover
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, poverty is the main cause because
people
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 want to be rich in a day so for that they are trying to short cut
such
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 as robbery, murder for materialistic things, knife
crime
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 for snatching and many more.
On the other hand
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, it depends on the nature of how
people
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 behave because no one can change a
person
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's external thinking. It totally depends on a
person
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 how
approaches
Correct subject-verb agreement
approach
show examples
 turmoil in their lives.
For instance
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, a
person
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 who has been a criminal mind since childhood
,
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apply
show examples
 can do anything for their surviving in their teenage. It is personal thinking to carry that thing along their whole life.
Also
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, if someone wants to live life with that attitude no one can do anything in
this
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 case.
To sum up
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,
Although
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 both are responsible for
crime
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 social behaviour issues
as well as
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 a
person
Use synonyms
's thinking I think it mostly depends on someone how they tackle their problems and choose wisely to decide what they want to be
Submitted by greeshmasebastian1997 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, consider using clearer transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument and avoid repeating phrases like 'on the other hand' consecutively.
task achievement
Develop your main points with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets the context well and presents both viewpoints, along with your stance on the issue.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides your own perspective, ensuring a well-rounded discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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