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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagram below show the life cycle of a species of large fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where revelant

The diagram below show the life cycle of a species of large fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where revelant
#show #life #cycle #species #fish #salmon #summarise #information #features #comparisons #revelant
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The diagram shows the cycle
life
Use synonyms
 of the salmon
fish
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 process of
life
Use synonyms
pass
Change the verb form
passes
show examples
 the several
eggs
Use synonyms
lay
Correct pronoun usage
that lay
show examples
 in pure water into the spawning adult
fish
Use synonyms
 ,which remain these
aquanic
Correct your spelling
aquatic
 species again.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
fish
Use synonyms
life
Use synonyms
 has over 8 years for living and spawning
eggs
Use synonyms
 before they have gone.
In addition
Linking Words
, each period of the
fish
Use synonyms
change
Correct subject-verb agreement
changes
show examples
 significantly
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 form, lifespans ,how they die and continue their
life
Use synonyms
 in just under 11 years. As can be seen in the cycle diagram, the beginning of
fish
Use synonyms
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 in the
eggs
Use synonyms
 that hanch in about 3 months before
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 perform into alevin and
feeds
Correct subject-verb agreement
feed
show examples
 yolk-sac for a few weeks. After that time, they will transluate into
fry
Correct article usage
a fry
show examples
 group that
survive
Correct subject-verb agreement
survives
show examples
 for 5 to 10 weeks with swimming and feeding. For several months, the
fish
Use synonyms
 develops “tinger” markings
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in the Parr performance.
The
Change preposition
At the
show examples
 age of 1-3
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 old, the
fish
Use synonyms
 is accessible to
group
Add an article
the group
a group
show examples
 and head out to sea.
Next,
Linking Words
they will have the most perfect form of the cycle
life
Use synonyms
 in the adult body,
in
Change preposition
At
show examples
this
Linking Words
 time, they easily
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
be
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good food for the bigger
hunter
Fix the agreement mistake
hunters
show examples
 as sharks or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human’s
Change noun form
humans
show examples
 fishing in the most
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
8 years and the least is only 1 year.
Finally
Linking Words
, the final moment of
Use synonyms
fish
Correct article usage
the fish
show examples
 will
laying
Change the verb form
lay
be laying
show examples
eggs
Use synonyms
 rebirth the new
eggs
Use synonyms
 before they die within 2 weeks.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words life, fish, eggs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "diagram" was used 2 times.
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