Some parents are worried about increasing levels of violence in TV,Video games and other entertainments for Children's leisure. how does this affects the children? how do you think this can be tackled?
TV and video games have shown a lot of harsh
activities
in their programs which could make parents feel insecure that those programs will impact their children. These performances can directly affect kids’ behavior by going through their habits and daily activities
and this
could be prevented by parent’s involvement in their kids’ entertainment.
While
movies
and modern arcades offer lots of fun to the youngster, some of them sometimes provide bad activities
such
as fighting and yelling at each other which allow the children to copy them and imply them in real life. As they are still on
Change preposition
at
young
age, children tend to be emotionally unstable and can easily adopt scenes they saw on Correct article usage
a young
TVs
. They could hit their friends at school or tease them just like the characters they saw in Fix the agreement mistake
TV
movies
because they cannot filter what is good and what is bad. For example
, ten public elementary schools in Jakarta have reported an increasing amount of student fights up to 70% where
all of them were caused by the students trying to perform what they saw in Correct word choice
and
movies
and online games.
However
, this
issue could be prevented by parents’ supervision of their offsprings’
leisure. Change noun form
offspring’s
This
works by the mother or father selecting what kind of shows they think are suitable for their youths and thus
avoiding adults’
Change noun form
adults
movies
which include violence. For instance
, a movie platform called Netflix has launched a feature where parents could get access to manage movies
and TV shows for their kids in real time
and it is believed that the feature could reduce almost a hundred Add a hyphen
real-time
percent
chance of kids seeing inappropriate shows.
Change the spelling
per cent
To conclude
, there are lots of entertainment shows which are accessible to underage that include inappropriate things such
as fighting and screaming, and those being the parents’ serious concern
. In my opinion, those bad Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
activities
could directly reflect in the youths’ life
as they can hit their friends in class because they are still not mentally stable and cannot select what is not to follow. To that extent, parents’ supervision is highly needed to filter what kind of shows they think are good for the development of their kids.Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a basic logical structure; however, there is room for improvement in creating a more cohesive flow of ideas. Sentences could transition better between points, ensuring ideas are interconnected and paragraphs flow logically from one to the other.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they would benefit from being more impactful. The introduction should present the main question's essence more clearly, and the conclusion should reiterate your arguments more decisively.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported by examples, which is good. However, they could be made stronger with more detailed explanations and deeper analysis of how exactly the behavior in media influences children and the specific ways parents can intervene.
task achievement
Your response to the task is somewhat complete, but areas are lacking detail or depth. Ensure that each part of the task is fully addressed and that your answer covers all aspects of the question comprehensively.
task achievement
Ideas are generally clear and somewhat comprehensive. However, strive for clearer articulation of the ideas with better use of complex sentences and vocabularies that precisely convey the issues and solutions related to children's exposure to violence in media.
task achievement
You provided some relevant examples, but they could be more specific and varied. Adding more detailed scenarios, statistics, or studies would help to support the ideas presented and add to the overall effectiveness of the essay.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?