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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents are worried about increasing levels of violence in TV,Video games and other entertainments for Children's leisure. how does this affects the children? how do you think this can be tackled?

TV and video games have shown a lot of harsh
activities
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 in their programs which could make parents feel insecure that those programs will impact their children. These performances can directly affect kids’ behavior by going through their habits and daily
activities
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 and
this
Linking Words
 could be prevented by parent’s involvement in their kids’ entertainment.
While
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movies
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 and modern arcades offer lots of fun to the youngster, some of them sometimes provide bad
activities
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such
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 as fighting and yelling at each other which allow the children to copy them and imply them in real life. As they are still
on
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at
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young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age, children tend to be emotionally unstable and can easily adopt scenes they saw on
TVs
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TV
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. They could hit their friends at school or tease them just like the characters they saw in
movies
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 because they cannot filter what is good and what is bad.
For example
Linking Words
, ten public elementary schools in Jakarta have reported an increasing amount of student fights up to 70%
where
Correct word choice
and
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 all of them were caused by the students trying to perform what they saw in
movies
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 and online games.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 issue could be prevented by parents’ supervision of their
offsprings’
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offspring’s
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 leisure.
This
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 works by the mother or father selecting what kind of shows they think are suitable for their youths and
thus
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 avoiding
adults’
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adults
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movies
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 which include violence.
For instance
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, a movie platform called Netflix has launched a feature where parents could get access to manage
movies
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 and TV shows for their kids in
real time
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real-time
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 and it is believed that the feature could reduce almost a hundred
percent
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per cent
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 chance of kids seeing inappropriate shows.
To conclude
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, there are lots of entertainment shows which are accessible to underage that include inappropriate things
such
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 as fighting and screaming, and those being the parents’ serious
concern
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concerns
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. In my opinion, those bad
activities
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 could directly reflect in the youths’
life
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lives
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 as they can hit their friends in class because they are still not mentally stable and cannot select what is not to follow. To that extent, parents’ supervision is highly needed to filter what kind of shows they think are good for the development of their kids.

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a basic logical structure; however, there is room for improvement in creating a more cohesive flow of ideas. Sentences could transition better between points, ensuring ideas are interconnected and paragraphs flow logically from one to the other.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they would benefit from being more impactful. The introduction should present the main question's essence more clearly, and the conclusion should reiterate your arguments more decisively.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported by examples, which is good. However, they could be made stronger with more detailed explanations and deeper analysis of how exactly the behavior in media influences children and the specific ways parents can intervene.
task achievement
Your response to the task is somewhat complete, but areas are lacking detail or depth. Ensure that each part of the task is fully addressed and that your answer covers all aspects of the question comprehensively.
task achievement
Ideas are generally clear and somewhat comprehensive. However, strive for clearer articulation of the ideas with better use of complex sentences and vocabularies that precisely convey the issues and solutions related to children's exposure to violence in media.
task achievement
You provided some relevant examples, but they could be more specific and varied. Adding more detailed scenarios, statistics, or studies would help to support the ideas presented and add to the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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