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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that parents should limit their children’s hours of watching tv and playing computer games, but encourage to read books. Do you agree or disagree

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It is often argued that encouraging children to spend more time reading
books
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 is better than allowing them to play digital games or watch movies.
While
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 there may be valid arguments to the contrary, I personally believe that the benefits of engaging with
books
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 from childhood far outweigh electronic entertainment tools. The reasons for
this
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 are as follows. First of all, increases children’s efficiency and productivity at school, reading
books
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, leading to better performance in academic life.
In other words
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, reading
books
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 makes children familiar with the contents and subjects that are going to be learnt at school.
This
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 preparation assists them in learning taught lessons conveniently and easily and reaching higher scores, compared to their peers who spend their time playing games or watching films.
According to
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 statistics from Oxford University, substituting
books
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 for useless screen consumption increases students’ educational performance by 40%.
Therefore
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, motivate them to extend their studying habits
throughth
Correct your spelling
throughout
 life, these accomplishments.
Secondly
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 and even more importantly, though, is the capability of reading habits
in nurturing
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to nurture
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 intelligent and clever individuals. It would be convenient for some lenient parents to entertain their children with more attractive digital entertainment tools. Meanwhile, enduring the difficulty of drawing their attention toward
books
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 and challenging their brain ability with habits
such
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 as reading makes it sharper and smarter, leading to innovative thinking and problem-solving skills. A salient example of
this
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 is Maryam Mirzakhani, who commenced reading
books
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 at the age of 3 and eventually, received the Nobel Prize for her advanced solutions to mathematical issues.
That is
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 why reading
books
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 should override inefficient pastime activities. In conclusion, games and movies should be replaced with
books
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 in the process of raising kids because they highly enrich the human mind and bring tremendous academic achievements.

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task achievement
While your introduction presents a clear opinion, it could benefit from a slightly stronger outline of the main points. Consider explicitly stating the key benefits you'll discuss in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
In your first body paragraph, consider breaking longer sentences into shorter ones for clarity. This will improve readability and ensure your main ideas stand out more clearly.
task achievement
In the conclusion, you mention 'games and movies' and 'books' but could reinforce the message by clearly restating your opinion about why books are superior for child development. This strengthens your argument.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear opinion on the topic, which is essential for task achievement. You effectively argue that reading books is more beneficial for children than digital entertainment.
task achievement
You provide a specific example of Maryam Mirzakhani to illustrate your point about the intellectual benefits of reading, which adds credibility to your argument.
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