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Band 4

Some people believe that the government should financially support retired people. Others think they should care for themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #support #care
Some
people
 think that retired
people
 should be financially established by their government to continue their lives. Of course,
this
 thought is arguable among
people
. Some think that it will be fine and others say it could be a problem
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
country
. In my view, we have to see what the job has done
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in the past, so we can consider whether it is suitable to get
financially
Change the adverb
financial
show examples
 support from the government or not. Many countries are still
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the development
state
Correct your spelling
stage
show examples
. Their financial condition is unstable to hold special
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 for pensioners.
For example
, Indonesia has to pay 5 billion dollars every year
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 everyone who has retired. That number can be useful if we allocate it to another path. How about another
country
 that
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not more financially stable than Indonesia? It will be hard for them to
responsible
Add a missing verb
be responsible
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
Correct article usage
the
show examples
needs of every single
citizens
Change to a singular noun
citizen
show examples
 in the
country
.
However
, there are some countries that
conduct
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
 their citizens to get
financial's
Change noun form
financial
show examples
 support
along
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their lives. They think that each
citizens
Change to a singular noun
citizen
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
responsibilites
Correct your spelling
responsible
. In Saudi Arabia, we can find the government pay their
people
 more than they pay
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
foreigners. In Japan, the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 guarantees that the pensioners will get
financially
Change the word
financial
show examples
 support right after they retire.
That is
 why we can find the fact that the
most
Change the adjective
apply
show examples
happiest
people
 on the earth are
Japanesse
Correct your spelling
Japanese
. In conclusion, we must carefully consider what is the kind of job that these
people
done
Add the auxiliary verb
did
have done
show examples
 before, how long did they work, and the financial condition of the
country
. Because we are responsible not only to retired
people
 but
also
 to others
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 may need more than pensioners.
Submitted by nurfaqihmuh on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but need improvement in clarity and relevance. The main points are supported adequately but could be more developed.
task achievement
The response provides a complete but somewhat unclear analysis of the topic. The ideas are somewhat clear and comprehensive but lack depth and focus. Relevant examples are included, but they need more clarity and relevance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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