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Band 7.5

nowadays, many young people leave home at an early age to either study ot work in another city. do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages for young people?

#people #home #age #study #ot #work #city
In today's fast-paced world, youngsters have to leave their homes to study or find
work
 in other places at an early age.
This
 trend has both advantages,
such
 as getting interacting with different
people
 and
cities
 very well at an early age and
also
 negative
sides
 like feeling lonely and unhappy in new conditions. I believe that its demerits outweigh its merits and
this
 essay will discuss both views before reaching a conclusion. The primary reason why some individuals advocate the former view is that changing
cities
 has useful
sides
 for
people
.
In other words
, they can gain a lot of job opportunities, high-quality education, and good relationships with other
people
. These factors have a direct impact on their social life, academic career, and
work
 experience.
Furthermore
, in some
cities
,
people
 suffer from the lack of sufficient working facilities or lower rates of education which are so essential for the quality of both studying and education.
Consequently
, in order to create a better life for
work
 and study individuals tend to move to other
cities
 and it results in ramifications for them.
On the other hand
, proponents of the latter idea assert that leaving home paves the way for depression and loneliness in youngsters' lives. To elaborate, being apart from their family and relatives directly influences their lives.
As a result
, they become less attentive about the productivity of
work
 and studies and it leads to terrible consequences in their life.
Moreover
, the other disadvantage of moving to a new city is lack of security.
People
 are safer when they are with their families and relatives than being in an unknown city and foreigners.
Hence
, it can result in awful experiences for the young if they are far from their parents. So, the negative
sides
 of the trend are more dangerous for young
people
.
To sum up
,
although
 there are several advantages of moving to a new city in order to achieve some goals for the young, it has more dangerous and harmful
sides
 for them, which should be taken into account.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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Task Response
Focus on balancing the development of both sides of the argument to ensure a more comprehensive exploration of the topic. Consider dedicating a similar length and depth of discussion to each viewpoint.
Task Response
Introduce specific examples to support your arguments. While your essay discusses general ideas, using concrete examples can strengthen your points and make your arguments more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the transitions between paragraphs for a smoother flow. Use linking phrases such as 'However', 'On the contrary', or 'Furthermore' to better connect your ideas and paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Review your essay for minor grammatical errors and repetition of phrases. Aim to vary your vocabulary and sentence structure to enhance readability and sophistication of your writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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