Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or this agree?

Sugary
food
and drink harm people’s well-being and can cause them various mental and physical problems. If the price of
this
type of product increases, many people use less amount of sugar
according to
fewer externally originated motivations. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
issue and believe that it lowers the number of sugary
food
followers and results in health improvement
as well as
less money wasted on them. There are some other ways
in addition
to their price change that lowers sugary foodstuff consumption,
whereas
,
this
method is still a practical idea.
Firstly
, less advertisement causes less demand for unhealthy
products
, in
this
way, people stay healthier.
For example
, having sugary snacks and beverages makes the body prone to obesity and diabetes in
this
way less sugar consumption is recommended.
Secondly
, people can save more savings by avoiding sugary
food
usage as they are not encouraged to buy.
For instance
, many children insist on having cadies as they see its catchy commercials on TV. If the advertisement is limited, many children do not ask for it, so the payment that could be spent on these
products
becomes saved.
Additionally
, there is no health problem to be fixed by spending money which could be routed to excessive sugar consumption like tooth cavitation.
However
, the increase in prices does not completely guarantee a decrease in carbohydrate usage by one hundred per cent because they are still available in supermarkets, so many will still pursue them.
In addition
, many of the consumers are addicted to the catchy flavour of sweet junk foods and they are able to pay the costs,
therefore
this
solution will have many exceptions.
On the other hand
, there are some other approaches for solving
this
problem like raising the amount of tax on mentioned
products
by the government. In conclusion, the fewer sugary
products
are easily bought, the higher people’s health condition will become and the less money will be wasted on them. The high price of processed
food
does not entirely ban the advertisement and its demand;
while
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
it is still working. Meanwhile, other ways like tax increases will be helpful.
Submitted by saba.yazdany18 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has some good points and examples, but the overall structure and coherence need improvement. Some points are not clearly developed, and the introduction and conclusion could be more effective.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task, provides clear ideas, and offers some relevant examples. However, the response could be more thorough and could address counterarguments to strengthen the argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: