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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for the society. Others think it has benefits for the society. To what extent do you think the advantages overweigh disadvantages?

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In many countries,
people
Use synonyms
 are now living longer than ever before. Some
people
Use synonyms
 say an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 creates problems for the
society
Use synonyms
. Others think it has
benefits
Use synonyms
 for the
society
Use synonyms
. To what extent do you think the advantages
overweigh
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
? Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 longer lives in many parts of the world compared to their previous generations. Some believe that
this
Linking Words
 issue is problematic for governments;
however
Linking Words
, others think it will have
benefits
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
. I believe that
ageing
Correct article usage
the ageing
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 has more negative consequences
such
Linking Words
 as
need
Add an article
the need
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
provision
Correct article usage
the provision
show examples
 of extra medical and curing
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 for elderly
people
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 less functionality of
society
Use synonyms
 in terms of
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 as many of its members are overaged.
Firstly
Linking Words
, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 need more medical services science many of them suffer
uncurable
Change preposition
from uncurable
show examples
 health problems
such
Linking Words
 as blood pressure, diabetes, and some
orthopedic
Change the spelling
orthopaedic
show examples
 issues.
Therefore
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,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should allocate a higher budget
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 medicine.
Additionally
Linking Words
, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
elderly
people
Use synonyms
 have no one to take care of them, so they need nurses to help them and again governments must consider welfare
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 and facilities for
this
Linking Words
 group of elderly
people
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
, a vast portion of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are not able to work,
therefore
Linking Words
, they can not help the growth of
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
 economy and in
this
Linking Words
 way,
society
Use synonyms
 may face
crisis
Add an article
a crisis
the crisis
show examples
 of
minimal
Correct article usage
a minimal
show examples
 youth
population
Use synonyms
 which will take a long time to be fixed.
How ever
Correct your spelling
However
show examples
, the longer life span of
people
Use synonyms
 has some
benefits
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as the individual consent
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having a longer life. It is obvious that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 all happy individual, who finds life rewarding, want to live longer,
therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are happier as they live longer.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 have lots of operational experiences that can be useful for
juvenile
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles
show examples
 so that they become one of the most reliable sources of knowledge in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, as the
population
Use synonyms
 become older, urges for health care and social assistance increase
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 many of these elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are not able to be
economical
Change the word
economically
show examples
 helpful for
society
Use synonyms
. Despite some
benefits
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
 issue namely individual satisfaction and transformation of wisdom and experience,
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
overweigh
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
.

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Improvement Suggestions

4
Task Response

Ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the question, presents a clear position, and provides relevant, well-developed ideas.

Coherence and Cohesion

Maintain coherence and cohesion by organizing ideas logically, using appropriate paragraphing, and linking ideas together appropriately.

Lexical Resource

Work on expanding and enriching the range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and fluently.

Grammatical Range

Pay attention to the range and accuracy of grammatical structures used, and strive to vary sentence structures for better fluency and coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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