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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentage of 18-25 year olds in university in 4 different countries.

The graph below shows the percentage of 18-25 year olds in university in 4 different countries.
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The line graph illustrates the
rate
Use synonyms
 of 18-
25
Add a hyphen
25-year-olds
show examples
year
Use synonyms
 olds in universities in four countries (Singapore, Malaysia, Philip
pins
Capitalize word
Pins
show examples
 and Thailand).
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be noted that the percentage of 18-25
years
Use synonyms
 olds in
university
Use synonyms
 in the four countries
are
Verb problem
has
show examples
 increased.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 the highest
rate
Use synonyms
 of 18-25
year
Use synonyms
 olds was Thailand,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest
rate
Use synonyms
 was Malaysia.
To begin
Linking Words
, the percentage of people who in the age of 18-25
years
Use synonyms
 in Thailand was 25% in 1961.
Moreover
Linking Words
 in the next ten
Use synonyms
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 it went down in 1991.but
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
few
years
Use synonyms
 it increased dramatically to reach 44% in 2011. In the case of
university
Use synonyms
 students in Singapore in the first
Use synonyms
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
 it was 15% in 1961,
however
Linking Words
, it
move
Wrong verb form
moved
show examples
 upward to 40% in 2011.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
students
Correct quantifier usage
number of students
show examples
 in
Philip
Correct article usage
the Philip
show examples
 pines from the age 18-25 in
university
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 less than 10% in the
year
Use synonyms
 1961.but after a few
years
Use synonyms
 it
climb
Wrong verb form
climbed
show examples
 to reach 15%. When it comes to
university
Use synonyms
 students from Malaysia the percentage was less than 5% in 1961.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the
rate
Use synonyms
jump
Wrong verb form
jumped
show examples
 significantly to 20% in the
last
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, year, years, university with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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