IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and age together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #age
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Music
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 has become an indispensable part of
people
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's lives. There has been a frequently discussed issue
if
Correct your spelling
of
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 whether
music
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 is crucial for bringing
individuals
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 of different
cultures
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 and ages together or whether it poses risks. I agree that there are a lot of beneficial effects of gathering
people
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 from different
cultures
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 and
age
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ages
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 together.
This
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 essay will outline
this
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 phenomenon in more detail, supported by relevant examples.
To begin
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, critics contend that exposing
people
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 to
music
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, potentially can't contribute to bringing
individuals
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 together as they believe that most
people
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, especially old
people
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 are not interested in
music
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. A study conducted by Glasgow University illustrates that 90% of elder
individuals
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 had no desire to share the
music
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 of other
cultures
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.
On the other hand
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, there is a growing preference among the population for bringing
people
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 of different ages to listen to
music
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. An American Educational Association indicated that attending various
cultures
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 and different age groups to hear
a
Remove the article
music
a piece of music
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music
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 has been linked to health benefits.
As a result
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,
people
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 can reduce their stress and depression which leads to
overall
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 well-being.
Furthermore
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, the outcomes of
music
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 are not limited only to the
individuals
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 but
also
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 have a profound impact on society .It increases the connections between communities. A report by UNESCO survey showed that offering
music
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 of other
cultures
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 enhances global communication between countries.
Consequently
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,
people
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 stimulate their culture and are encouraged to know about other heritage. In conclusion,
although
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 some arg argue that
music
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 has certain challenges, I strongly believe that there
are
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is
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 personal and social growth for
people
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 who attend to listen to
music
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.
Therefore
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, the government should provide programs about the importance of
music
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.
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Task Response
To improve your task response, try to provide more specific examples and possibly some statistical data or studies that support your arguments. Make sure your examples directly relate to the points you're making.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs transition smoothly. You have done well, but adding more linking words and phrases can make the essay flow even better.
Task Response
Work on elaborating your main points to show your full understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing your arguments effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a well-structured essay with clear paragraphs focusing on individual points.
Task Response
Your task response is generally complete, addressing the question directly and effectively with a good balance of opinions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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