IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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In regard to
increasing
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the increasing
an increasing
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number
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 of unfit
people
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, it is pivotal for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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 to improve public health. Some argued that increasing
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the number
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number
Correct article usage
the number
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 of
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sport facility
Fix the agreement mistake
sports facilities
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 will aid to
Correct article usage
a healthier
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healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
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society
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,
while
Linking Words
 others argued
otherwise
Linking Words
 and suggested
Change the verb form
providing
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to provide
Wrong verb form
providing
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 other measures.
While
Linking Words
 both statements hold merit, I will discuss
underlying
Correct article usage
the underlying
show examples
 reasons for both views and provide my opinion. Adding more
Use synonyms
sport
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sports
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facilities
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 aim to encourage public utilisation which leads to
healthier
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a healthier
show examples
society
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. Whilst it might have
positive
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a positive
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 outcome, expanding
sport
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facilities
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 only benefit those who
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 exercise
due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 specific limitation.
However
Linking Words
, I believe the
number
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 of
people
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 with
this
Linking Words
 issue is low. In my apartment,
for instance
Linking Words
,
gym
Correct article usage
a gym
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 and other
facilities
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such
Linking Words
 as
swimming
Correct article usage
a swimming
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 pool or running track are provided for
35-storey
Correct article usage
a 35-storey
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 building
however
Linking Words
 users of these
facilities
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 are fewer than 10% of total residents.
Thus
Linking Words
, the impact of having more public
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sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
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 would be limited. I believe other measures,
such
Linking Words
 as sharing awareness of healthy
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lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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 and creating
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habit
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habits
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 of doing physical activities, will better
to
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apply
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create healthier generations.
People
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 tend to underestimate the importance of
healthy
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a healthy
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lifestyle
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 until it is already too late. Simple actions like performing stretching once in a
while
Linking Words
 are needed especially for those performing
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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lifestyle
Use synonyms
 or else, they might reap the consequences when they are older. By socializing the long-term effect,
people
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 may start consciously choosing
better
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a better
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lifestyle
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 for themselves.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is recommended to have sports as
compulsory
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a compulsory
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 subject as early as possible to nurture positive
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habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
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.
For example
Linking Words
, children who
keen
Add a missing verb
are keen
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 to swim will eventually encourage
the
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their
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 immediate family to do it with them, resulting
healthier
Change preposition
in healthier
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 behaviour for the whole family. In my opinion, preserving
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habit
Correct article usage
the habit
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 of
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
lifestyle
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 will have
greater
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a greater
show examples
 impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 public health. In conclusion, to prevent
degradation
Correct article usage
the degradation
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 of health in
the
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apply
show examples
society
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 I think it is better to
fostering
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foster
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 healthier
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habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
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 since kindergarten
in addition
Linking Words
 to consistently performing socialization about the impact of
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 than to add various
Use synonyms
number of
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
sport
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good level of task achievement. However, you could improve by addressing the opposing view in more detail and using more specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured and clearly present. Your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion. To further improve, ensure that the logical progression within and between paragraphs is clearer, and use linking words and phrases to enhance coherence.
lexicak resource
Your use of vocabulary and cohesive devices is good, with a range of words and phrases used appropriately. To improve, consider using a wider range of vocabulary and more academic and formal language to articulate your ideas more precisely.
grammatical range
Your grammar, punctuation, and spelling are generally accurate. To improve, work on using more complex and varied sentence structures and ensuring consistent and appropriate use of verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and articles.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
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