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Band 4.5

some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
In regard to
increasing
Add an article
the increasing
an increasing
show examples
number
 of unfit
people
, it is pivotal for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 to improve public health. Some argued that increasing
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
sport facility
Fix the agreement mistake
sports facilities
show examples
 will aid to
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
society
,
while
 others argued
otherwise
 and suggested
Change the verb form
providing
show examples
to provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 other measures.
While
 both statements hold merit, I will discuss
underlying
Correct article usage
the underlying
show examples
 reasons for both views and provide my opinion. Adding more
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
 aim to encourage public utilisation which leads to
healthier
Add an article
a healthier
show examples
society
. Whilst it might have
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 outcome, expanding
sport
facilities
 only benefit those who
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 exercise
due to
this
 specific limitation.
However
, I believe the
number
 of
people
 with
this
 issue is low. In my apartment,
for instance
,
gym
Correct article usage
a gym
show examples
 and other
facilities
such
 as
swimming
Correct article usage
a swimming
show examples
 pool or running track are provided for
35-storey
Correct article usage
a 35-storey
show examples
 building
however
 users of these
facilities
 are fewer than 10% of total residents.
Thus
, the impact of having more public
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
 would be limited. I believe other measures,
such
 as sharing awareness of healthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 and creating
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 of doing physical activities, will better
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
create healthier generations.
People
 tend to underestimate the importance of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
 until it is already too late. Simple actions like performing stretching once in a
while
 are needed especially for those performing
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
 or else, they might reap the consequences when they are older. By socializing the long-term effect,
people
 may start consciously choosing
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
lifestyle
 for themselves.
In addition
, it is recommended to have sports as
compulsory
Add an article
a compulsory
show examples
 subject as early as possible to nurture positive
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
.
For example
, children who
keen
Add a missing verb
are keen
show examples
 to swim will eventually encourage
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 immediate family to do it with them, resulting
healthier
Change preposition
in healthier
show examples
 behaviour for the whole family. In my opinion, preserving
habit
Correct article usage
the habit
show examples
 of
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
lifestyle
 will have
greater
Add an article
a greater
show examples
 impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 public health. In conclusion, to prevent
degradation
Correct article usage
the degradation
show examples
 of health in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 I think it is better to
fostering
Change the verb
foster
show examples
 healthier
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 since kindergarten
in addition
 to consistently performing socialization about the impact of
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
 than to add various
number of
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
sport
facilities
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good level of task achievement. However, you could improve by addressing the opposing view in more detail and using more specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured and clearly present. Your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion. To further improve, ensure that the logical progression within and between paragraphs is clearer, and use linking words and phrases to enhance coherence.
lexicak resource
Your use of vocabulary and cohesive devices is good, with a range of words and phrases used appropriately. To improve, consider using a wider range of vocabulary and more academic and formal language to articulate your ideas more precisely.
grammatical range
Your grammar, punctuation, and spelling are generally accurate. To improve, work on using more complex and varied sentence structures and ensuring consistent and appropriate use of verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and articles.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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