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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work?

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Although
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 paid
work
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 is thought by some to be a good experience for
children
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, other people think it can be detrimental.
Children
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 can learn about earning money and gain independence from doing paid
work
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 but there are
also
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 drawbacks to be taken into account. On the one hand, there are a number of advantages to
children
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 doing paid
work
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.
Firstly
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, one benefit of
children
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 doing paid
work
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 is that they understand the value of money as they realise the
work
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 needed to earn it.
Secondly
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, having a paid job is advantageous because
children
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 take their first steps in learning how to manage and save money. Many older
children
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,
for instance
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, have a part-time job in order to save up for something they would
otherwise
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 be unable to afford.
Thirdly
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, working teaches
children
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 responsibility and independence. These skills help
children
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 develop into self-supporting adults ready to enter society and the workforce.
On the other hand
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, one problem when
children
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 have a job is that it potentially exposes them to exploitation through slave labour.
For example
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, in some developing countries,
children
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 are made to
work
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 full-time but
due to
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 their age are not protected by law.
As a result
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, they are paid negligible wages for
work
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 that can be tough, manual
work
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. Another possible issue is that the time
children
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spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 working prevents them from focusing on their school
work
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. Having a good education is the key to a successful future so being employed as a child can result in poor academic performance which can be harmful in the long run. In conclusion,
while
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children
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 can benefit from some
work
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 experience, it can
also
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 lead to exploitation or lower grades at school.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but can be further developed to provide a more comprehensive overview of the essay's content.
task achievement
The response is mostly complete, but could be improved by addressing the opposing viewpoint and providing further elaboration in the conclusion.
lexico grammar
A wide range of vocabulary and grammatical structures are used effectively, but some repetitive phrasing could be avoided to enhance variety and complexity of expression.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • beneficial
  • harmful
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • financial independence
  • responsibility
  • valuable skills
  • impact
  • education
  • exploitation
  • negative effects
  • social life
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