IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Write about the following topic. Instead of training a few athletes to win medals at the Olympics, governments should spend the money on programmes encouraging the public to be active and stay healthy. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

#topic #athletes #medals #olympics #governments #money #programmes #minutes
There is a discussion that governments should spend
money
 on whether a few athletes'
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
 to win medals at the Olympics or public awareness
programmes
 to encourage
society
 to avoid
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle.
This
 essay agrees with the latter suggestion because citizens will be more healthy and their healthcare expenses will be decreased in the long term. Allocating a certain amount of
money
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
health
programmes
 can increase the knowledge of healthy and active lifestyles. The community will try to be more active;
therefore
, their immune systems will be stronger. A stronger
defense
Change the spelling
defence
show examples
 system of
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
 is highly effective
to fight
Change preposition
in fighting
show examples
 against common diseases related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
Change the noun form
lifestyles
show examples
such
 as diabetes and obesity. Many authorities know
this
 fact and take action to improve individuals'
health
. To illustrate
this
, in Japan, the government invests huge
money
 in monthly
health
 seminars that encourage
society
 to
being
Change the verb form
be
show examples
 more active. These conferences are really popular and Japanese people regularly
attending
Wrong verb form
attend
show examples
 them. Healthcare expenses
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 estimated to be decreased
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 promoting citizens to
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 more active because
insurance
pricess
Correct your spelling
prices
process
 will be declined. The
prevelance
Correct your spelling
prevalence
 of common diseases is the main factor that determines
insurance
 fees.When these fees
decreased
Wrong verb form
decrease
show examples
,
society
 will benefit from cheap medical services.
For example
, in the United Kingdom,
National
Correct article usage
the National
show examples
Health
 Service established many
programmes
 to persuade
society
 to be more active and they have managed to decrease
insurance
 costs. The United States is considering
to
Change the verb form
applying
show examples
apply
Add the preposition
apply for
show examples
 these
programmes
 in order to drop
insurance
 fees because medical procedure prices are expensive there. In conclusion, governments should allocate more
money
 to encourage
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public awareness in order to increase the fitness level of
society
 over train a few elite athletes to win Olympic medals. Personally,
this
 action directly
increase
Change the verb form
increases
show examples
 the awareness of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle and
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
show examples
insurance
 prices in the long term.
Submitted by historicalpen on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear but lacks a thesis statement. The conclusion is brief and doesn't restate the main points effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response with clear and comprehensive ideas. Relevant examples are included to support the arguments effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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