IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Instead of training a few athletes to win medals at the Olympics, governments should spend the money on programmes encouraging the public to be active and stay healthy. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#athletes #medals #olympics #governments #money #programmes
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There is a discussion that governments should spend
money
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 on whether a few athletes'
trainings
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training
pieces of training
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 to win medals at the Olympics or public awareness
programmes
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 to encourage
society
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 to avoid
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with the latter suggestion because citizens will be more healthy and their healthcare expenses will be decreased in the long term. Allocating a certain amount of
money
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into
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to
show examples
health
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programmes
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 can increase the knowledge of healthy and active lifestyles. The community will try to be more active;
therefore
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, their immune systems will be stronger. A stronger
defense
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defence
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 system of
body
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the body
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 is highly effective
to fight
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in fighting
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 against common diseases related
with
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to
show examples
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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lifestyle
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lifestyles
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such
Linking Words
 as diabetes and obesity. Many authorities know
this
Linking Words
 fact and take action to improve individuals'
health
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. To illustrate
this
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, in Japan, the government invests huge
money
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 in monthly
health
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 seminars that encourage
society
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 to
being
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be
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 more active. These conferences are really popular and Japanese people regularly
attending
Wrong verb form
attend
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 them. Healthcare expenses
is
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are
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 estimated to be decreased
with
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by
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 promoting citizens to
being
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be
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 more active because
insurance
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pricess
Correct your spelling
prices
process
 will be declined. The
prevelance
Correct your spelling
prevalence
 of common diseases is the main factor that determines
insurance
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 fees.When these fees
decreased
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decrease
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,
society
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 will benefit from cheap medical services.
For example
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, in the United Kingdom,
National
Correct article usage
the National
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Health
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 Service established many
programmes
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 to persuade
society
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 to be more active and they have managed to decrease
insurance
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 costs. The United States is considering
to
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applying
show examples
apply
Add the preposition
apply for
show examples
 these
programmes
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 in order to drop
insurance
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 fees because medical procedure prices are expensive there. In conclusion, governments should allocate more
money
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 to encourage
the
Correct article usage
apply
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public awareness in order to increase the fitness level of
society
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 over train a few elite athletes to win Olympic medals. Personally,
this
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 action directly
increase
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increases
show examples
 the awareness of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle and
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
show examples
insurance
Use synonyms
 prices in the long term.
Submitted by historicalpen on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear but lacks a thesis statement. The conclusion is brief and doesn't restate the main points effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response with clear and comprehensive ideas. Relevant examples are included to support the arguments effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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