IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

If all workers in a company were paid exact same wage regardless of job role there would be much more harmony and cooperation between staff. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A firm has an obligation to give feedback to its employees based on their hard
work
Use synonyms
, but at the same time, it needs to foster good relationships among employees. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it will lead to injustice, and
also
Linking Words
, different educational backgrounds lead to different positions.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a distinction in job responsibilities with the same income remains discrimination in certain places. Determining levels of earnings should be based on several factors
such
Linking Words
 as
length
Correct article usage
the length
show examples
 of time worked and the responsibilities held.
For example
Linking Words
, the average manager’s salary in Indonesia is over IDR 20 million per month.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the duration of
work
Use synonyms
, expertise, and knowledge are considered for
this
Linking Words
 position and salary.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the concept of "retainer" cannot be generalized, especially for new staff.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 approach creates controversy and unfairness in
work
Use synonyms
 life and generates a bad image in the business world.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
education
Use synonyms
 is one of the reasons why worker earnings should be distinguished. A person’s high level of
education
Use synonyms
 proves that they have mastered a field in depth and apply their knowledge and
skills
Use synonyms
 at
work
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, someone who relies on their hard
skills
Use synonyms
 without considering soft
skills
Use synonyms
 intends to develop their capability, as long as they still contribute.
As a result
Linking Words
, both types of workers have notable differences. If these conditions are equalized, obviously many people would decide to attend the lowest possible school.
For instance
Linking Words
, as a Finance staff member in a big company, people are required to have a Bachelor's degree.
This
Linking Words
 decision is made because they have soft
skills
Use synonyms
 like public speaking, supported by hard
skills
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as operating accurate software.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 combination cannot be obtained with an
education
Use synonyms
 lower than a diploma. In the end, it looks unfair if the salaries are equalized because
education
Use synonyms
 plays a key role in corporate success. In conclusion, equalizing employee income will lead to disputes. Basically, determining commissions must be based on several factors
such
Linking Words
 as
education
Use synonyms
,
work
Use synonyms
 experience, and so on. From
this
Linking Words
 point, I believe true harmony will be created.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your introduction states your position clearly, consider adding a brief overview of the main points you will discuss. This can help set the reader's expectations and improve the task response.
coherence and cohesion
Your body paragraphs present clear points, but you could enhance coherence by using more transition words to show the relationship between sentences and ideas. For example, using words like 'Moreover', 'Furthermore', or 'In addition' can help the flow of your arguments.
task achievement
Make sure each point is equally developed. While you provide strong examples for the education argument, adding more depth to the job responsibility argument could strengthen your overall argument.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position regarding the topic and maintains this throughout the piece, which is a strong aspect of your writing.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the salary of managers in Indonesia and the requirements for finance staff, adds credibility to your arguments and supports your points well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • harmony
  • cohesion
  • financial incentive
  • productivity
  • equity
  • organizational culture
  • highly skilled professionals
  • innovation and competitiveness
  • redistribution of tasks
  • job satisfaction
  • meritocracy
  • contributions and achievements
What to do next:
Look at other essays: