Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

A highly controversial issue today relates to whether
competition
in schools affects
the
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apply
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pupils negatively or not. In
this
essay, I am going to examine
this
question from both points of view, and
then
explain my opinion. First of all, there are people who argue that
this
kind of
competition
has
great
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a great
show examples
influence on
children
regarding their performance in their studies. The main reason for believing
this
,
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apply
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is that
parents
think that
children
when they see their classmates scoring higher grades,
this
will motivate the
children
to do extra
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
in their studies to score more.
Moreover
,
parents
think that students
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
take their studies more seriously will get rewarded for their results. To illustrate, when I was a school student my
parents
always
tell
Wrong verb form
told me
show examples
to study harder in order to surpass my friend's score, and
this
gave me a sense of motivation
,
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apply
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because
at
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in
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the end I
know
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knew
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that I
will
Wrong verb form
would
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get rewarded for my
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
.
On the other hand
, others believe that
children
put in a highly competitive environment make the results turn bad
on
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for
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them.
This
is because, students will experience an
enourmous
Correct your spelling
enormous
amount of pressure that
a school students
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a school student
school students
show examples
could not
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cannot
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handle, so they
did
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do
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not know when and how to start, and
this
will make the student absentminded.
For example
, one of my classmates in the past used to experience
such
events. His
parents
used to tell him
study
Add the particle
to study
show examples
harder in order to be a doctor,
this
Correct word choice
but this
show examples
thing has put him
in
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under
show examples
some sort of pressure that made him distracted. In conclusion, I believe both arguments have their reasons. On balance,
however
, my opinion is that being put in a high
competition
makes you want to achieve more, but there must be some sort of reward in the end to get motivated for
such
competition
.
Submitted by osama2010b on

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task response
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides a somewhat balanced discussion of the topic. However, ensure that your examples are clear and relevant, and make sure to fully express both views with supporting arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is somewhat effective, with an introduction and conclusion present. However, you should work on organizing your ideas more coherently within paragraphs and across the essay to improve overall coherence.
lexical resource
Your lexical resource shows adequate range, but there is room for improvement in terms of using more precise and varied vocabulary. Additionally, be mindful of word form and collocations to enhance your expression.
grammatical range
While your grammatical range is generally accurate, there are some errors in sentence structure and word choice. Aim to vary your sentence structures and pay attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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