IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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A highly controversial issue today relates to whether
competition
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 in schools affects pupils negatively or not. In
this
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 essay, I am going to examine
this
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 question from both points of view, and
then
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 explain my opinion. First of all, there are people who argue that
this
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 kind of
competition
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 has a great influence on
children
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 regarding their performance in their studies. The main reason for believing
this
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 is that
parents
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 think that
children
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 when they see their classmates scoring higher grades,
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this
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 will motivate the
children
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 to do extra hard work in their studies to score more.
Moreover
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,
parents
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 think that students who take their studies more seriously will get rewarded for their results. To illustrate, when I was a school student my
parents
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 always told me to study harder in order to surpass my friend's score, and
this
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 gave me a sense of motivation because in the
end
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end,
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 I knew that I would get rewarded for my hard work.
On the other hand
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, others believe that
children
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 put in a highly competitive environment make the results turn bad for them.
This
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 is because, students will experience an enormous amount of pressure that a school student cannot handle, so they
did
Wrong verb form
do
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 not know when and how to start, and
this
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 will make the student absentminded.
For example
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, one of my classmates in the past used to experience
such
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 events. His
parents
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 used to tell him to study harder in order to be a doctor, but
this
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 thing has put him under some sort of pressure that made him distracted. In conclusion, I believe both arguments have their reasons. On balance,
however
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, my opinion is that being put in a high
competition
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 makes you want to achieve more, but there must be some sort of reward in the end to get motivated for
such
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competition
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.

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task response
Ensure to address each aspect of the prompt clearly and provide a more balanced view on the given topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks some consistency in maintaining a clear and coherent structure. Try to organize the ideas in a more logical and consistent manner throughout the essay.
lexical resource
The essay uses a limited range of vocabulary and lacks variety in expressions. Try to incorporate more diverse and precise vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay contains various grammatical errors and lacks complexity in sentence structure. Strive to use a wider range of grammatical structures and ensure a higher degree of accuracy.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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