IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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In recent times,
people
Use synonyms
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 consuming food and
drink
Correct subject-verb agreement
drinks
show examples
 that contain a large
amount
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to problems. Some
people
Use synonyms
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that in order to encourage
people
Use synonyms
eating
Change the verb form
to eat
show examples
 less, sweet
products
Use synonyms
 need to be more expensive.
This
Linking Words
 essay
disagree
Change the verb form
disagrees
show examples
 with
this
Linking Words
 statement because some consumers can buy it and regulation and raising awareness are more effective. First of all, when sugary
products
Use synonyms
 are more expensive, there are some
people
Use synonyms
 who are willing to buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. When the price
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 raised,
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
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 customers are affordable and will be continuously
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
 it because they enjoy
enting
Correct your spelling
eating
show examples
 these
products
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the wealthy have a huge
amount
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 of money, so they can purchase sugary
products
Use synonyms
, no matter how expensive it is, they can spend on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. These
problem
Change the determiner
problems
show examples
 affect their health problem
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes in which
Use synonyms
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
show examples
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 level
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 the price will not decrease the
sell
Replace the word
sale
show examples
 of sweet
products
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more effective ways to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 than
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 the price.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should declare the regulation about limiting the
amount
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 in food and drink. All industries and companies must reduce
sugar
Use synonyms
that
Linking Words
is not exceed
Change the verb form
does not exceed
show examples
 the
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
.
Then
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 will be more healthier than before and decrease
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 chance of health problems. Another way is
raise
Change the verb form
to raise
raising
show examples
 awareness about the effect of consuming
exceed
Wrong verb form
exceeded
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 content.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 and
people
Use synonyms
 in society should
alarm
Wrong verb form
be alarmed
show examples
 about the diseases that will happen in human bodies.
Therefore
Linking Words
, having
people
Use synonyms
 consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should support and create a new rule.
To conclude
Linking Words
, expensive sugary
products
Use synonyms
 do not help
people
Use synonyms
 to consume less for the reasons that the rich can
affort
Correct your spelling
afford
 it and a new rule of limiting
sugar
Use synonyms
 content and alarming the health problem are better.
Submitted by fah on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should clearly state your position, the body should provide well-structured arguments supporting your position with examples, and the conclusion should summarize your main points.
coherence cohesion
You should fully develop your main points by elaborating on your ideas and providing clear examples that directly support your arguments. Weak or undeveloped points weaken the overall effectiveness of the essay.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task to provide a complete response. Your position should be clear throughout the essay, and your arguments should be relevant to the topic.
lexical resource
Use a range of vocabulary to articulate your ideas more precisely and effectively. Avoid repetition of words and phrases, and demonstrate the ability to use synonyms where appropriate.
grammatical range
Employ a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, to demonstrate your grammatical range. Pay close attention to the accuracy of your language, avoiding errors that can obscure meaning.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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