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Band 5

In many countries, the number of plants and animals are declining. why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?

#countries #plants #animals
There is a widely held perception in many parts of the world that biodiversity has been affected in a negative way over the
last
 two or three decades.
As a result
, a decline in flora and fauna's habitat has become a serious issue to take into consideration. In
this
 essay, I aim to identify the sources of
this
 problem
as well as
 some viable solutions to it. From my perspective, one of the most significant obstacles to
this
 change is the rise in population. To explain, with the increase in the population of nations, more and more land is required for housing and factories, causing the cutting of a large number of forests and trees and
as a result
animals
 living in these areas face survival issues.
For instance
, it is difficult for wild
animals
 to survive in an open
environement
Correct your spelling
environment
 because they are dependent on other creatures and plants for their living. Another reason for the extinction of
animals
 is hunting for various purposes. To elaborate,
animals
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been killed for food and other industrial uses which leads to a decline in species already on the verge of extinction. The issues can be solved with the efforts of both individuals and the government.
Firstly
,
people
 must be encouraged to build vertical buildings for
accomodation
Correct your spelling
accommodation
 so that a number of
people
 can reside in a smaller area and avoid making places overcrowded.
Secondly
, hunting of
animals
 that are on the verge of extinction or have the chance to fall
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
this
 category in future should be prohibited.
Hence
, the
goecrenment
Correct your spelling
government
 should take some
intiatives
Correct your spelling
initiatives
initiative
 to encourage
people
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 vertical buildings and must
imposed
Change the verb form
impose
show examples
 a big fine on
illegal
Correct article usage
the illegal
show examples
 hunting of
animals
 for their personal
uses
Fix the agreement mistake
use
show examples
.
To conclude
, it is
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of awareness and illegal activities of individuals which become a cause of
decrease
Add an article
a decrease
the decrease
show examples
 in various species. Solutions
such
 as encouragement to build buildings in
such
 a way
to
Correct word choice
as to
show examples
 cover a smaller area without cutting a large number of trees and a penalty on hunting of
animals
 must be introduced by the government to make
people
 stop hunting.
Submitted by sainisonia422 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay is logically structured with clear paragraphing. Ideas should seamlessly flow from one to the next with the use of appropriate linking words.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task to ensure a complete response. While you have discussed reasons and solutions, the essay could benefit from further elaboration and stronger specific examples to support your points.
lexical resource
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary pertinent to the topic. The essay should showcase your ability to use words and phrases that are relevant to the subject of biodiversity and conservation.
grammatical range accuracy
Work on using a variety of sentence structures to demonstrate your grammatical range. Aim for a mix of complex and simple sentences and correct use of tenses and punctuation.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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